Guilt – a toxic atmosphere wrapped around you. The accuser points at you in the rotating room but you’re at the center with all eyes on you. Scathing scenes play quickly in your mind like pages hurriedly flipped. “You’re guilty! You’ve failed,” an angry choir screams. The heavy weight of guilt pulls your weak knees to the cold cement floor. Even the birds in their uniformed ascension repeat your accusation. Your tears forcefully overflow your eyes as if pent up for years behind great doors. Suddenly…

Silence interrupts the courthouse just before the gavel speaks your fate. And there HE stands – a contradiction to your circumstance.

Is it you HE’s reaching for? HE summons you to rise with eyes of unfounded compassion. A struggle begins in the heart which thirst for freedom but knows the rights of justice. So will you get up out of your shame and stand with HIM? Ignore the blazing anger all around the room and their scorching gaze of hate. Even you know what you deserve…

HE pulls you in and pours love in the cracks and crevices of your soul…your words could never make know these places. Lost in this embrace you find your life…the one HE’s always had for you. Right then your heart cuts a covenant that forever you’ll live indebted to the One true GOD called LOVE.

Let’s take our eyes off Peninnah and consider what GOD really wants to do with us. So, in our last blog, we started talking about praying for a “thing” and not seeing it manifest while wondering if GOD is waiting on our souls to be mature enough (like Hannah’s became) to handle the gift. Weren’t you also taught to pray…believe and receive? What if their is another part of the puzzle? You’ve probably sung the song with hands clapping and hips shaking. “For all your promises are yes and amen!” Rock it out now! “For all your…”

Hear James explanation for unanswered prayers, “When you ask you ask amiss so you can consume it upon your own lust.” Ok…okay! That sounds hard. There’s more to it.

James Jesus’ brother was only addressing Christians who were still very worldly in their operation but were still expecting to get their prayers answered. Mind you, these were young Christians who had not given themselves over to being converted in their souls. You know, you become a Christian so changes should begin to happen in your life.

Now Apostle John says “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.”3 John 2:2 This is where we find the link between our souls being in a healthy prosperous state so we can handle the good things that GOD desires for us to have.

In the account of the talents, the master told the servant that since he has handled a little well, he would make him master over much more…Is GOD any different in principle? Do peruse this possibility for not attaining the promise. Sure, we have other oppositions to the promise, but let’s make sure its not an internal one. There are just some promises that will only manifest after reaching a certain level of maturity.

An eight year old boy who desires to drive a “zooma zooma” car can pray to GOD with childlike faith but won’t receive it. He is simply not ready to handle all that power. The GOD who loves him dearly withholds the answer until the most appropriate time.

“Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health even as your souls prospers.”3 John1:2

Elkanah was torn between his two wives.  (an excellent reason to have one wife) Peninnah took pride in her ability to produce children for her husband while Hannah suffered her insults, having been made barren by GOD. Yes, I said by GOD! Hannah’s husband indeed loved her but it was “Not enough to fill the void of not having a child!” Hannah shouted.

You know that issue that you have been praying to God about repeatedly and nothing seem to move?  Well the Elkanah family was familiar with visiting the temple at least once a year to bring offering unto the Lord.  At this point Peninnah weighed in heavy on Hannah until she felt desperate.  I can image her saying to Hannah, “You think your pretty looks and charm can satisfy our husband when year after year you come to the temple with not even one child of your own? Ha!” 

Hannah could take no more, given she was not the type of girl to set Peninnah ablaze with some choice words.  All she ever wanted was to be a mother. It was all she thought about and imagined for years.  However, with this visit to the temple, she was undone.  She pleaded with GOD.  Her soul was afflicted and she had arrived at a place of self-abandonment.  No words!!

Could it be that this was where GOD wanted Hannah all along?  In her plea bargain with GOD, GOD took opportunity to strike a deal with someone to whom he could release a gift that she would not keep to herself but give back to Him.  This took the processing of a soul.  Often times when we want something we want it for our own use instead of for the building up of GOD’s Kingdom.  Could it be that the delay on our answered prayer is due to the state of our soul?

“Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper even as your soul prosper.” Our prosperity is soul related.  Some persons are owned by what they have and the purpose GOD had in giving the gift was for the world to benefit.  Back to our supporting character Peninnah, without her provoking Hannah, Hannah might not have been pushed to the place of being completely yielded to GOD’s plan and purpose.  God needed a true prophet! One steeped in HIS presence. Samuel wore an ephod, a priestly garment, from he was a boy.  He slept in the presence of GOD and became one of Israel’s greatest prophets.  So great was his relationship with GOD that GOD promised that not one of Samuel’s word would fall to the ground.  At the end of the deal GOD got a completely sold out prophet and Hannah got her son plus five more children.

So what does GOD want to do with you? What state is he trying to get your heart in so that the gift you faithfully remind him of can be released in your life?  Why do you want what you want and how can it benefit the Kingdom of GOD? I know this is an ouch! Come on! Recalibrate your motive and align yourself so God has to bless you. Here’s a hug from me to you!

“I looove being Woman!”

Sometime ago I attended a major event with foods of many cultures…it was heavenly for a foodie. A lady, feeling thrilled at the spread of foods and pleased to be plump, exclaimed “I love being WOMAN!” Her expression was not a gender comparison but a size distinction. She looked at my skinny frame with pity as she ran her hands down her plump figure. I instantly liked her! She loved herself no matter who didn’t like her figure. While she accepted her body and self, we might be tempted to think others are in that same category.  When you see women flaunt their feminity in light of it’s power you may think, “such confidence!” Other women look on and summizes, “she’s got it all together.”

Maybe not! Women learn that their bodies and charm can impact men, so they use it! Flaunting and flirting…can be flares sent off indicating an internal deficiency. It says “want me!” Why?

“I feel rejected and I’m not sure who I am. I need to feel wanted. It’s not you that I need more than someone to fill this void, letting me know I am desireable.”

What’s lacking?

We were all made to belong. Nothing is wrong with that desire. That’s why we were placed in families. So when a family fails to affirm, having become a responsible adult she has to acknowledge the emotional gap in order to heal and restore. You may wonder, do I flirt or flaunt? What’s my reason for doing so? Where was a void created in my life and why? You know, the itch that needs scratching.

Some ladies are much more subtle in their expression but their emotional state is the same…since they yearn to be accepted but would not risk rejection.

When you’re truly satisfied within yourself, you’ll be resolved to be yourself and people will be attracted to you.

Have you ever read Proverbs 8 and felt baffled by why Wisdom worked her way through the streets crying out to the simple? My first thought was Wisdom is much too rare and valuable to be parading in common places petitioning patrons to partake of her. Wisdom? If she is so available why wouldn’t everyone have his or her fill of her?

Capacity!

Simply put, while people may enjoy the idea of gaining Wisdom, very few will make room for her. Everywhere we turn wisdom is strewn along the streets like diamonds and gems. The discerning will soon acknowlege her. I remember observing a tiny flower boasting as it flourishes between a simple crack in a concrete pavement. It made my day! The message: all things are possible, hold on to hope.

With many other voices crying out in the market place, the voice of Wisdom is muted to those who are indifferent. If you think I’m wrong, try sharing your passion with someone who simpy accommodates you. You’re pouring water in an overflowing vessel!

Sadly, sometimes the wisdom you have could make great changes in your friend’s life, but there is no capacity for him or her to receive it. I’m guilty of being so passionate about imparting truth to a friend that I clench their jaws to get it into their mouths. It never works! No capacity! They sometimes enjoy being where they are and borrowing your ears for their music of murmur.

So what do we do? Put the truth in a capsule leave it on the table, let them decide whether to take it or leave it. However, your job has just started. You now pray! Not that they would do what you think they should… but that their capacity for the truth would increase.

“So tell me, don’t you have a single friend? You know, a girl who’s level head.”

Having heard this from a gentleman who is seeking to be married, instinctively I run several single friend files through my mind. “Who would suit such a guy?” What do I even mean by suit? Is he worthy of any of my gem of a friend? As the old Jamaican proverb goes, “every hoe have dem tick a bush.” Simply put, everyone has someone who is right for them.

Seriously…not every man fits every woman and there are good reasons for this. Let’s take a fresh look. If “he that finds a wife finds a good thing,” she must be good for him. So maybe women need to look at the rough version of their potential husband and ask, “Can he handle the upgrade that I bring?”

Surely your upgrade can be an overkill for the wrong man. Which brings us to the point of purpose compatibility. Do you have to shrink back to exist in the same space? Do you feel contained and restricted, forcing an “I’m ok” smile on your face? Run!

How long can you hold your breath? With the right match there is a common current that moves you both. Now, you will likely respond differently to that passion and call but that’s still good. When I have an inspiration and the ideas are gushing, my husband is usually quite still… He works the technical side and I stew in the creative. Together we rock!

So…don’t seek to find yourself in a man. Instead, consider the person with whom your purpose will best be served. He might not look now how he will when you upgrade him, but place emphasis on character.

If I were an avid servant, a passionate teacher, a keen guide to the next set of successful wives, I’d tell them this…

To have the best marriage you have to have the best prepared persons. The level of your preparation will greatly affect you ability to coalesce and become a force. There’s no beating the system! How can you become one if you think you are the “one” he should become? There’s a slight scent of narcissism on that.

Where does this leaves us? It leaves at Chapter 3 of “Wife Material” – Unpacking the Past. While God wants us to Pray Until Something Happens – PUSH, He wants us to empty our souls of junk we’ve amassed over years of wear and tear. It’s honestly a vulnerable place. Yet only by genuinely seeking GOD to discover the mysteries of your soul…can you even know what to and how to unpack. Only serious Christians would ask GOD to take them through this process. Others will only chime, “I’m waiting on the Lord for my husband.” ( Lips pursed and legs crossed)

I’m reminded of the 5 wise and 5 foolish virgins…The unwise were ill prepared but waited expectantly for their bridegroom. I imagined they looked at the wise virgins with their lamps glistening with oil and resolved, “They are way too spiritual. It doesn’t take all of that!”

Getting free from the impact trauma and disappointments had on you makes you so much easier to live with, to work with and to be friends with. We’ll soon deal with telltale signs that you’ve got a soul wound.

“Already done,” he echoed.

“In School,” this has long been my status on WhatsApp. I don’t think I’ll ever want to change it, since life continues to teach you what you could never learn in school. In life, assuming the role of a student often allows you to reap the greatest rewards. One of my sons was always a tough one to motivate until he became a part of a production (GEM). He had such a tedious schedule and along with school. I thought…this would really result in a greater demand on me to get him to do what was necessary and to go where was necessary. I pscyched myself up like Sisyphus to role the boulder up the hill. “Come on…let’s go..do this…take that…remember this! As I placed my shoulder against the boulder, to my surprise it seemed automated. The boulder had enough momentum to carry itself! So I shouted to him, “Remember your gears….and!”

So, you’re wondering what this has to do with you? Alot! What have you been praying passionately about? Does your prayer include marriage? If so, consider that marriage is really not only about you. Yes…if you consider that, it would help you to pray more passionately and purposefully about it. Let me remind you that your marriage is about a united God-given purpose, producing righteous seeds and reflecting the mystery of Christ’s love for HIS Church. I said all of this to say push in prayer for your marriage…not in an obsessive way. Yet you cannot afford to have a casual attitude toward it. Increasingly this world is discrediting marriage and painting a negative image of it. What if you’re called to model an exceptional kingdom marriage? It begins in the spirit before the physical manifestation…like everything else. Pray it through.

As our conversation continues with one of my best friends, I want to you to consider how comfortable it is for you to hang out with your single friends and talk about the “One.” Certainly that is important too but, you would benefit significantly to include in you social circle married couples who can shed some light on where you’re heading. You might say, “you mean happy married couples.” Actually, if you are an astute student you will also learn from the “not so happy” ones too. We’ve got a happy one for you to learn from today, so let’s get right into some priceless wisdom this Real Wife Material acquired along her journey. Grab a cup of tea or coffee….alright, for you cold beveragers, get something refreshing.

Mrs. Pena’s tips for a beautiful marriage:

1. God HAS to be the center: I honestly don’t know how a marriage can survive without God being at the center. If you put God at the center, everything in your marriage flows through Him; struggles, difficult decisions, raising children and challenges you face individually or together are easier with God at the focal point. Having God at the center of our marriage provides such freedom that we’re not going at it alone.  My husband and I are committed to being spiritual warriors, joined together on this battlefield and its imperative that we defend and fight for our marriage together in order to defeat and bind the powers that fight against it.

1. Put into practice the principles of a biblical marriage: I must admit this one took some work for me. Even though I work full time, I had to come to terms with prioritizing my marriage and home over my profession. This was challenging for me because the principles of the corporate world do not align with the principles of a biblical home or marriage. And at a point in my career I found myself fighting to prove myself worthy of a title, promotion or an opportunity, while I was missing out on precious family dinners, prayer time, alone time with my husband, and milestones with my young children. In the end, I had to set certain boundaries at work in order to put my family first. I was no longer willing to sacrifice certain aspect of my home life in order to “fit” into the corporate world. One trick of the enemy is tricking you into believing that you can have it all and that you’re alone in your motivation and success. But that false perception can quickly lead to destruction. Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 teaches us that we need each other. We need support and understanding from our spouse. As a working mom and wife, there will be sacrifices. There’s no such truth as having it all.  Everyday I have to consciously choose and prioritize my family because it’s so incredibly easy to get sucked into the world’s idea of a “normal” family life for working parents and from there it becomes a slippery slope.  God gave us all gifts and talents and if you choose to use yours outside of the home it doesn’t mean that you should prioritize that talent (whatever successes it brings) over your marriage or your family.
2. Seek biblical counseling and support: There’s a perception that you only need to seek counsel when your marriage is in crisis. There’s nothing further from the truth. Max Lucado said “disasters don’t call ahead and calamities don’t serve advanced notice” they show up unnoticed. Strengthen your marriage along the journey so that you can draw on sound teaching when you need it. Couples that wait until their marriage is in crisis before seeking counsel have a much lower rate of staying together. Seek out support groups, develop friendship with like-minded Christian couples and support each other. Join a small group and plug into teachings that will strengthen your marriage and family life. Attend Christian marriage conference and find biblically sound literatures and teachings that you can both feed on. My husband and I are a part of a small group of couples that meet twice a month to dive into the Word through visual or auditory series that are usually about 6-8 weeks long and focuses on improving our marital or family life. We discuss as a group our struggles and share thoughts and ideas. Here is a great resource that you can easily plug into as a couple, Chip Ingram Marriage that Works.  
3. Forgive each other and do it quickly. No one is perfect and you shouldn’t expect your husband to be either. Don’t let hardships, wrongdoings, silly mistakes or even big ones fester and ripen in your heart. Forgiveness is never about the other person, it’s always about your relationship with Christ. Forgive as Christ forgave you, affirm your love for him as Christ affirms his love for you. Comfort him as Christ comforts you. Don’t keep track of his mistakes or wrongdoings, but resolve and start fresh each day as God’s mercy is new for us every day. Let God redeem those hardships within us and in this, we grow more like Him. Don’t let serious concerns go unattended. If you need to seek counsel to resolve an issue beyond both your knowledge and understanding, then it’s perfectly fine to do so. But do it as the concern is raw or new, not when you’ve harden your hearts.  That brings me to my final point.
4. Make time for each other. Rediscover your passion for each other. God designed us to enjoy each other and it’s by far the most beautiful thing about being married. You can freely enjoy and discover intimacy on every level. As we get more seasoned in our marriage, certain aspects will take effort as we tend to get caught in the routine of daily life and if you have children and busy careers like we do, it becomes even more crucial. It shouldn’t be devalued as it does play a key role in keeping you closer together as a couple.

With these tips, I hope you too will grow in marriage and let God’s truths guide you. Develop a deep understand of each other and a Christ-like sacrificial love for each other that will strengthen all aspects of your relationship with each other for a life time.  

WOW!!! What a wise friend I’ve got! You have been duly schooled on what many of us wish we heard before we got married. Excellent preparation information!

Real Wife Material…

There’s nothing like sitting with someone who has been where you’re going, sipping tea and enjoying something delicious.  Today, prep the tea and crumpets and come sit with one of my best friends.  Hear about the unexpected spouse that God chose for her and the wisdom she gathered along the way. 

Girlfriend to Girlfriend  

What I’ve Learned After 17 Years of Marriage

So as I turned 27, single and selfish, my focus was on me. But God prepares each of us for what we need and when we need it. I can’t say that I was anxiously waiting to be married or looking for marriage when I met my husband. However, I did seldom pray for “that person” that God would bring into my life but I prayed with my own list of criteria that I presented to God for what I wanted at that time in my life. So I would fancy myself praying for a husband that fits my criteria. When I met my husband he was none of those things on my list! So I didn’t see him in a romantic way. But because he was so charming, intelligent and handsome man, I tried to set him up with a close friend that I thought would be a great match. You see, he wasn’t my “ideal” but as I prayed about my list, my criteria for that perfect husband, God showed me his face and it was this incredible person that I was trying to match up with my close friend. I laughed out loud to myself in disbelief but after that day, my feelings for him started to change.

He was not what I would’ve chosen for myself – not in a million years. It had to have been God, or I would have never given him an honest look. He was this skinny, innocently shy, totally honest yet vulnerable college sophomore with no job and no spending money. Plus he was not only a few years younger but he looked 10 years younger. I won’t go into what my ideal was because looking back it’s laughable and a little embarrassing. But God knew what I needed then and what I need now 21 years later. In our 17 years of marriage, we’ve learned a lot about each other and we’ve grown closer as a couple. It may sound cliché to say marriage is work but it truly does take work and great effort.  I will share with you some of the gems that I believe make a beautiful marriage.

Join us for the continuation of this Real Wife Material’s story in our next blog.