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Tassia has imagined her love story from as long as she could remember. Though life has thrown her some hard punches, her hope remains buoyant and fresh. Much to the annoyance of her friends she continues to talk about her dream marriage. It’s as if she is as excited about it as she is about her Christian walk. If you’re around her, that fervor will either annoy or inspire you. When she talks about her husband, eyes usual drift to her uncrowned finger in wonderment. It’s not that she is not aware that her faith and fervor thins out her crowd. Some laugh in front of her face but many more the moment she turns her back. She is void of any emotional stress that their rolling eyes may convey.

For Tassia, this confidence came out of a deep place of relating to GOD in prayer. She sought Him and He assured her of the son He has assigned as her husband for His purpose. Consistently and affectionately she seeks Him, who fills every void in her. She has dealt with the baggage she carried into several relationships unknowingly. Tassia would expect disappointment in various forms, so she braced for it in her relationships. Eventually, she would herself sabotage the relationship in order to avoid suffering the pain at someone else’s hand.

She was called away to GOD. There HE opened her heart and show her the persons she had to let go. HE showed her the beliefs she had to surrender to renew her mind. It was a power struggle. It took time for her to realize that the very thing she was comfortable to keep could kill her destiny. The fasted lifestyle took a hold of the rope that constricted her generations from healthy marriages demanding that it be fragmented. She partnered with the only One who could deliver her, denying her own way for His.

Don’t grudge her as she rises from the reputation you’ve known her to have, or the past that predicted her failure. Tassia is a bride made ready for her groom through yielding. She is no longer fickle, needing someone to fulfil her. It’s in her GOD that she has been made whole and strong.

Is she healed just so she can be married? Oh no! Her healing is the reason you can call her a faithful friend. Her processing is why she was employee of the year and many gravitate toward her.

Those who laughed, their laughter have been abruptly silenced and they are in awe as her many weighted words make way for her dream to materialize. Learn her ways. They are not unique to her. The Marriage Maker welcomes you into the same healing and strengthening. Honestly, Esther would attest that there is a price called – sacrifice. Don’t fear or discredit yourself, for you are granted the empowerment you need to succeed.

Here’s a little secret…If you’re not healed from the thorn-bush experiences that you’ve repeatedly tumbled through, you’re probably not in the best shape to know your type of guy. Will you not choose from those who do not threaten the unhealed areas of you? Well that would mean that your past pain is ruling your future.

If the right one comes along, will your scarred lenses detect him as you look through windows of pain? I would never dear to kick you while you’re down. No I am here to administer medicine you may likely think you don’t need.

It’s time now to purposefully return to the scene of the crime. Where they hurt you. Where they abandoned you. You know that place you erased from your memory in order to cope. Little did you know that you’re daily reacting to that trauma. Making decisions based on it… choosing friends based on it….viewing life based on it.

If only we could go there and remove the fears you found and carried from there. There were some decisions you made as a result of the heavy disappointments that your heart could hardly carry. They were vows intended to protect you against that terrible scenes but instead the vows built chains binding you to your unwanted past.

Again…I’m only here to administer medicine for a soul that can be healed. I need you to cooperate. Aaah…open your mouth and denounce those vows.

Open again…keep it open and repent of becoming so self sufficient, that you can hardly receive help from anyone – your defense mechanisms employed to protect the wound, but it shut you out of living.

Open up again and forgive the perpetrators of that penetrating pain. Please can I ask you once more to cooperate with me as you denounce hatred which sprung to existence taking advantage of your awful situation. Father’s arms are opened for you to collapse in it and surrender…

Did I say, “Father?” Now you don’t want to hear me since much of your pain came from him. This FATHER is not like that one. HE says He’ll never leave you nor forsake you. His love is forever…yes steady…like a credit card it’s maxed out on you…He wants you healed and whole…flourishing from a prosperous soul.

“I’m only here to administer medicine for a soul that can be healed”

The healed you is amazing with strength and resilience. You’re telling your story as people wonder if it’s even possible to rise from such dark places to the light of the platform you stand on. Your soften heart embraces the many who are where you were. You only know to love them to life after Father poured his love all over your life. Look at you!

Now confident in GOD’s love, you have permission to fearlessly receive and give love. So who is your type? I’m holding his description against the one you once had and they are looking drastically different. With cleaned heart and cleared lenses, love finds this “good thing.” You know now that you had to be healed to even known and receive your type.

A funny thing happened on the way to I do! That moment he stepped out of the crowd and pledged his undying love, there was a mob attack. Suddenly, the tongues of all possible suitors came loose and there came with it the courage to now express their heart. So, when there comes a flurry impressive enough to make you wonder – How will you know he’s the one?

Since Christian marriages aren’t founded upon just feelings, it’s important to know what other signs to look out for. I will extract a couple of tell tale signs from my experience and hope that they will help to light your path to a confident “I do.”

We all want to know in our hearts that we are making the right choice when it comes to marriage, except those who are so caught up in a feeling/fantasy that a reality check would be threatening. Courtship is the place to fearlessly unveil hearts and intentions in order to take an honest look and decide if you can live with this person for the rest of your life.

In courtship, one thing I was sure of was that this guy loved me until he did not know what to do with himself. I was sorry for him. He would trip over his feet trying to get to me. Still, that was not enough.

On a spiritual level we soared together and had equal passion for GOD and His Word. It was our happy place – we enjoyed digging into the Bible and compare notes. Worship was another area in which we were super compatible. Still it was not enough.

We effortlessly enjoyed each other’s company and were genuine friends first and foremost. Physical attract came after awhile. Still that was not enough to make me commit to this guy for life, forsaking all others.

So how did I know that he was the one? Yes, all the factors mentioned above contributed to the big picture. The fact that he checked most, if not all of my boxes, which I had dutifully brought before GOD, was but a clue. Still, I wanted concrete evidence.

When I talked to GOD about him in the intimate place there was such a punctuated peace. As if to say, “Note this.” I was not anxious but confident that GOD had the right one for me. I didn’t want to twist GOD’s arm for Him to approve him. Instead, I was open to hear “yes” or “no.” So I had GOD’s peace, which was amazing, but I wanted further confirmation.

We both went to minister in praise and worship at a major event and in the middle of this sweet atmosphere, I felt the approval of GOD and had an understanding that this guy was home. I was never able to shake that feeling from then.

The sense of collective purpose was one of the most pronounced signs that “this is the guy!” We ignited around purpose. We knew this because we talked deeply and honestly about who we are what we felt GOD had called us to. We celebrated each other without an alteration plan. Admittedly, I was desperate to change how he dressed and I did.

Beyond your character checklist, you know he is the one because 1. God confirms it (this requires an intimate relationship with God).

2. Peace – he feels like home. 3. Strong sense of Collective Purpose.

Hint: These tell tale signs are much more detectable when sex is not a part of the relationship and you are both sober, free from soul ties, etc.

You can then know without a shadow of a doubt that he is the one.

Hint: If you have to jump through hurdles continuously to please him, he is likely not the one or an immature version of him…he needs more time to mature.

Hint: If you’re not better for being around him, he’s likely not the one. For example, if you have to tone down your Christianity – flashing red light.

There should be a beauty with you both going to your FATHER God together in prayer, knowing neither of you is an orphan.

The mother of wise King Lemuel warned him not to spend his strength on women who ruin kings. Who are these women who ruin kings? What are their attributes? How are they able to ruin Kings?

A king sits in a place of authority and power. His strong leadership position is coveted. Not every woman wants to partner with the high profile or purpose-laiden leader. Still, there are those women who only have appetite for kings…men in high esteem…powerful…visible and known. For some, they know it’s their GOD-given call to partner with such a man. Meanwhile others are sent to take them down. These women are equipped and strong in their craftiness, employing strategies their colleagues would blush at. They wield a power that is able to disarm any king who has his guard down. Rich in worldly wisdom, she has a way around such men.

Take Delilah for example…she was a strategist who the Philistine army knew had access in ways they never could. What an army could not do to trap Samson, Delilah could at the bat of a lash. She weakened the strongest man in the world by first tangling his heart and blinding his mind. Her charm disarmed Israel’s great warrior and made play-dough of his brain.

What did Delilah know? She knew how to gain his trust. She knew how to be a safe place for him. She knew how to sooth and affirm him. She had strategy as she played his heart as a harp….until she conquered him and thwarted his purpose. Solomon warned his son…

Women, you are powerful and are either under the influence of light or darkness. When rightly aligned to GOD you can fuel a man’s dreams and call forth his greatness. Your subtle encouragement can revive his passion for purpose. Why? You are given the power of influence. Not the influence that makes your body and beauty a tool of entrapment and manipulation, or your charm an overpowering force that arrests his will.

Lemuel’s mom in the same breath warned him about women and wine. Women and wine?

What do they have in common? Influence.

Before you turn on the charm again…consider whose influence you’re under. You’re not of those who ruin kings!

5 Get wisdom; develop good judgment.
    Don’t forget my words or turn away from them.
⁶ Don’t turn your back on wisdom, for she will protect you.
    Love her, and she will guard you.
⁷ Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!
    And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.
⁸ If you prize wisdom, she will make you great.
    Embrace her, and she will honor you.
⁹ She will place a lovely wreath on your head;
     she will present you with a beautiful crown.” NLT Prov 4:5-9

A fascinating tale is told in the Book of Proverbs about the lady Wisdom. She is always crying out in the streets to all who cares to listen. That tells me Wisdom is more than making itself available to us. Yet it’s up to us to choose it. It is no different with our relationships. Some of our crazy decisions cause Lady Wisdom to climb a ladder shouting, bellowing at the top of her lungs, in an effort to get our attention and possibly stop us.

Sometimes our downfall is our niceness which obstruct our good judgement. Our motives are sometimes as pure as snow but it takes a little more than that to spot a joker. Jokers know how to spot you with your big heart protruding from your chest. They know if there’s one thing you are – it’s understanding. They enjoy telling you about this trait of yours in order to keep you trapped. Many failed relationships could have been avoided if you were sober enough to spot a joker.

Let’s take a look at a Joker in action. Missing an appointment with you is a low risk action because of course you will — understand. The Joker’s “ask” is always greater than his deliveries, since you’re the one doing the majority of the work in the relationship. Given another option he cancels his commitment with you, because you will — understand.

Admittedly, some jokers are much more subtle and will make convincing effort until another interest shows up. Jokers are not a safe place for your dreams and ambitions. They don’t know how to value your pearls and purpose. They would prefer that you keep the conversation solely about them and their life. That’s because most Jokers are selfish and insincere. They are seeking someone who will sustain their stardom…”spotlight on me.”

Some ladies find it their duty to pander to this narcissistic existence, feeling gratified by being needed by someone. If that’s you, consider what need you have internally that gets a fix only by carrying out a rescue mission. It could be that you are genuinely helpful, but understand that relationships require give and take. No one party should do all the giving or all the taking. You’re deserving of a worthy partner who loves your sincere soul and sacrifices to prove that love.

Just a few Clues…

1. Words void of follow up actions..
2. Little respect for your time.
3. Your not a treasure just an attraction
4. Places little value on your ambitions and dreams.
5. A trend of broken engagements.
6. Little to no sacrifice.

Don’t waste your precious time with a joker. He will only change when he is ready.

Join me on The Smart, Fabulous & Single Podcast with Tricia-Anne Y. Morris for ‘From Me-ology to Marriage-ology’ (Me-ology Part 2). I’m sharing tips on how to move from being too me-focused and me-centered as single women to becoming marriage material.

To listen to ‘From Me-ology to Marriage-ology’, download and subscribe to the Smart, Fabulous & Single Podcast at anytime at https://apple.co/3f9JkRg. You can also access show notes and resources at sfswoman.com/listen.

And if you have any comments or questions feel free to email them to pod@sfswoman.com.

Here’s a topic untouched: single Christian women setting sexual expectations for fellow brothers by breaching biblical standards. We’re not talking about it! Some sisters are finding it hard to foster a pure relationship that leads to marriage. The reason simply is that there are some ladies who are giving it all up to brothers who are not sold out to GOD. Brothers have come to expect it.

Then comes Sister Standard who dare to want to live the Bible. Live the Bible! She sees a man serving and seemingly all about GOD and gets involved in a developing relationship only to be surprised at his expectations. You know the subtle innuendos that he doesn’t want to come out of his mouth since his ears just might hear that it sounds ungodly, but he expects Sister Sanctified to pick up that he needs his appetite met. After which they’d go on with their relationship like nothing ever happened. At her refusal, he is stunned and she is equally stunned.

“How did this woman really expect this to work!”

“Why would I be dating a Christian brother if we’re going to live just like the world?”

Well this stops the music and the whole relationship!

He considers that he has so many options and she wasted his time. Time to move on to the other church girl who is much more accommodating. He is usually quite successful since there are many who strike out that part of the Bible due to its inconvenience in our modern day culture.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Eph 5:3

The sister is hurt and resolves that Christian men are no different from the unsaved men she encounters on her job.

Could this be avoided? Yes… to some extent. For example, you need to get to know the value system of a guy before investing your heart into the relationship. Yes some may lie. Still do your homework! Don’t bat an eye to let your standards of purity be known. You might lose him? That’s a worthy loss.

Let’s lay it out good and strong! There are blessings that two people who decide to keep it clean during courtship attract…even if you messed up in previous relationships. This is an agreement to honor GOD throughout your relationship. We cannot drop the standards because they seem out-dated in comparison to the sin-celebrating culture in which we traverse. God means what HE said! “Seek ye first the kingdom of GOD and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.” In essence, if you choose His ways above your own, He will grant you your desires.

Besides, sex is a glue that binds people together often times. Imagine if he is not your husband how difficult it will be for you to think straight long enough to break it off. It’s not hard to develop a soul tie as result, which is a construct intended for making the two become one in marriage.

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Or don’t you know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 1Cor 6:15-16

Sisters, you might be making it hard for another sister through your compromise…but even more than that, you’re robbing yourself of the blessings that accompanies obedience. Have you ever attended a wedding that you know GOD kissed? I want that to be your wedding. Be the “good thing” that is sought after.

You expect to get some deep truths right here at wifematerial.blog. I dig the Word for applicable gems and chisel them out just for you. While this particular blog might not be so deep, it will certainly be impacting. I enjoy speaking about the soul and the spirit and just having your inside well sorted out. However, today we are taking a look on your outside. Yes…the sweet and fantastic you, packaged in clothing, jewelry, etc. which introduces your self to the world.

Does appearance matter?

I remember watching my mom get ready to go to the airport and said…”All of that to go to the airport where nobody knows you?” She replied, “How you carry yourself tells people how to treat you.” That was a wisdom nugget collecting moment. I also observed my sister, while I was single, as she prepares to return home to her husband after a few weeks away. She would wear a very attractive outfit and made sure she looked amazing. Again I asked why. She said she had to let her husband see what he had been missing for the last few weeks. I decided to pocket that gem as well.

While some of us need not hear, “put yourself together properly,” others are convicted of the “Just as I am” song. (side note: Don’t use make up to create a total different face, but enhance your assets) Since your close friends are afraid to tell you the truth as you dream about your fab look husband, I’ll tell you. “Put yourself together!” A little powder and some lipstick can go a long way. Clothes that look like they actually fit will take you further. I know you don’t think it takes all of that, but attractions most often begins with the physical. Ask the birds and other animals who know what it takes to attract a mate. Do you see the details GOD put into making the exotic birds, flowers, the sunset… and you are the cream of His creation…come on! Help your husband find you! Put yourself together!

Sorry, if I’m shouting.

Several times the Bible uses the phrase “as a bride adorns herself for her husband.” It’s been a while since women have been looking good for their husbands.

The world knows this key and works it. The eye gate is a powerful thing on a man. You want him to know your personality? He has to get pass your face, your smile, your clothes and your attitude.

Happy is attractive!

For you who would not even buck a toe on the deportment issue, let’s beautify you yet! I spend a good amount of time on the heart or soul, because your beauty starts there. The attitude you display can be experienced indirectly and is enough to send men into flight or fight mode. No sensible man goes looking for a problem. If your disposition is always, “I have a problem,” you’ve built an atmosphere of negativity around you and only the brave dare enter. You know life is not fair when you develop laugh lines but not frown lines. Anyhow, let the man’s challenge be to win your heart, not to scale the walls of issues around you to finally get to you.

It may hurt…but I love you!

A friend of mine once told me he has yet to see a woman who is completely satisfied with her body. Your aim is to be the best you. Work on that! If that means cutting out some foods out of your diet to shed some pounds, don’t let it come through the door. If it means exercising, start small and build up. Be patient with yourself but don’t give yourself too much room to slack off. Remember, you don’t have to “feel like it.” (check previous blog) “I Don’t Feel Like It.”

Every time I see a woman on the road looking unkempt, I resolve that she has no friends. Be a friend and share this blog with genuine friends who you want to “pull it together” for their best self. Encourage this friend, even if it’s you, that they are valuable and worthy of love…real love.

Does your flesh have a voice? Mine certainly does. My advantage is that I know who is speaking in sometimes the sweetest most soothing tones with words I totally want to hear. These are often words of comfort that encourages me to avoid a challenge. Can you relate? I thought so.

Flesh seems to talk to you in the areas you’re in need of discipline: social media, juicy conversations, sexual pleasures, food indulgence, unnecessary purchases, etc.

After months of failing to launch, I decided to begin a workout regime that I would not break until it becomes a habit (over 21 days non-stop). Before now, the goal seemed elusive.”Discipline!” Interestingly, some of us are disciplined in some areas but fall flat on our chest in other areas.

For six days I resolved to fling my flesh before the screen and sweat. To arrive at this place I refused to consult my feelings. This time I didn’t check for results in order to be motivated to come back. No, this time it’s all about the discipline of doing it.

So, early in the morning before I started the day, a conversation began in my head.

Said Flesh, “you do know that you’re tired, right? You’ve been going. This is the day to skip and get some rest.”

Said I, “Oh really, that’s true. I am tired. Yes, didn’t they say you should rest between work outs?”

Said Flesh, “Ahh…there you go. You’ll catch back up soon.”

As the conversation ended, I was resolved that this was the plan for the already hectic day.

What a strategy! Before I could think straight a plan of failure that soothed my flesh was rolled out.

Thankfully, as the morning wore on I became smarter and accepted a new resolve. I took on an aggressive workout that riveted my deal with discipline.

So what are you tripping over owing to the flesh talks? Not because it’s a thought means it’s “a thing!” Go for a fresh new thought in the direction of your goal. You’ll find one. Firstly, you have to have a goal in mind. If that is not clear, indiscipline will feed on you like hungry piranhas.

Beyond flesh, be careful not to give feelings too much of a place of prominence in your decision making.

It might not be exercise for you, but you must be in control or something else will master you. When your flesh talks, talk back with the Word of GOD.

How? For sinful urges…confess “Be holy as I the Lord am holy.” “Yes GOD I agree…I know I can be holy since you told me to be holy. ” Seek verses applicable to your challenge and confess them. We are training our flesh to comply with the Spirit.

For indiscipline…”I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.” 1Cor 9:27.

You have the help of the Holy Spirit…ask for it. You’re not left alone. “Submit to GOD, resist the devil and he will flee.” James 4:7