“He Said…She said’
Like a well-oiled machine, benevolence ministry took off as Jala envisioned it. She couldn’t help feeling a sense of accomplishment as volunteers filed in and issues were being passed on to the counselling department of the church. She realized that the two ministries worked hand in hand. Jala oftentimes consulted with persons and heard their situations and then filtered them to the appropriate ministries. Mrs. Lueth, Jala’s mentor, was training new persons in the counselling department only two doors down from the benevolence room.
Chari had laundered the clothes that came in, ironing and folding them neatly. She had them well organized and almost looking new. Meanwhile, Jala handed out numerous packages to the poor and sought ways to extend the ministry to meet the needs. Abe served passionately in his lane, linking men with local job opportunities with the help of Ephraim. Friday evening was the busiest evening for benevolence and this Friday the four friends were tired and hungry.
Pastor Pruitt had the hospitality department treat all the persons working in counselling and benevolence to finger-foods in the courtyard. As they ate, a spontaneous discussion on marriage erupted and over 20 young adults were fully engaged.
“I’m living my best life now and any man who can’t handle that, too bad!”
Knowing how passionate she can become, Jala wanted to stay as far as she could from the discussion, so she busied herself serving the food.
Abe could not resist, “So, your best life means everything done your way?”
“Why should she put her life on pause waiting for a man?” snapped Samantha, who had broken off a relationship with Abe years ago after letting him know he was not assertive enough in the relationship.
Ephraim, who had snuck in to hang some hooks Jala had asked him to install added, “It doesn’t sound like a man has any room to enter that ‘best life’.”
Gavin, known to be a sharpshooter, opined bluntly, “As a man, I find a lot of Christian women either too full of themselves or too desperate! Just sayin’.”
“Wait…wait now!” said Sister Becky, who had been married for years, trying to keep the conversation from escalating.
Still, Gavin was not yet done.
“It’s true, if you give a woman a compliment, the next thing you hear is that she’s planning the wedding and you don’t even know!”
Jala managed to stay on the outskirts of the conversation until she heard Gavin’s statement.
“If men would stop intentionally leading women on,” started Jala with flared lips and hands on her hips, “yes, asking probing questions about the woman’s dream marriage after sweet-talking her on the phone every night only to find out he makes several of those calls and have several women dangling not knowing if he’s in a relationship with them. That’s the real problem!”
“Ohhhh!” The courtyard exploded as persons were surprised that Jala called it out this way!
“Well let’s talk about it!” Aunty Lu was glad to address the matter. “I counsel many in this church with the same issues you all have brought up. I must say the blame is shared as it concerns men leading women on and women being way too gullible.”
Walking over to the women she added, “Women, I would suggest that you assume nothing of his intentions but a friendship until you are clearly approached. At this time, you can consider if he is worth it.”
“If he is worth it!” shouted Cassandra as she sprang to her feet, pointing like a teacher to the other ladies. “Some of them are certainly not! After spending so much effort on making yourself a class of a woman, why pick up an underpaid man?”
“So, a man is not a man unless he is making more than you, Cassandra? Now we are getting down to what matters to them, men!”
The men rose to their feet with rumbles of disagreement.
It was Aunty Lu to the rescue again. She knows just how to balance firmness and kindness in the tone of her voice.
“Men and Women,” she said with hands raised, “how many of you agree that you both need each other?
The place was still, but not peaceful.
Ephraim stepped out from the men. “Mrs. Lueth, while we agree that we need the women, do you see the predicament us men face? We are being discriminated against for not climbing the ladder of success as fast or faster than these godly women, not to mention if we are not as spiritually mature as they imagine we should be. What is your advice to us?
“Before I answer your question Ephraim, let me ask how many women here would not consider courting a man if he is not as or more spiritually and financially grounded?
Some hands went up, while others did not.
Ephraim subtly glance over at Jala to see if her hand was up. Jala’s arms were folded as she looked intently at Aunty Lu.
“Well Ephraim, now you can see that not all women think the same way. The one you will marry will honour and love you despite where you are in your journey. She will value the person you are and the one you are becoming. Together you will be a rock for each other.
“Wow!” marvelled Ephraim. “Would it be ok to give you a hug?”
Aunty Lu gave him one of her healing hugs and Ephraim grinned. A sober look was left on each face.
Chari shouted, “To be continued!”
Jala headed to the benevolence room to lock up after the discussion and Efraim was right behind her.
It puzzled him that his friend who he had come to accept as a stickler for an already made man…did not agree that a man must make more money than she does.
“I’ll get the windows,” Ephraim said, stepping in front of Jala to pull shut the two sliding windows.
“That was such a robust discussion. It’s good to hear young people honestly express themselves.
“Your church doesn’t do that?” enquired Jala.
“Well, we’re probably not as open and down to earth as here. I’m surprised though at you.”
“At me? What did I do again?”
The two headed down the corridor.
I noticed that you didn’t agree that a man must earn more than you to be a suitable mate.
“And that’s surprising to you?”
“What else did you assume about me Ephraim?”
“Not much. I am just trying to get to know you lot and I was surprised that you’re not one of those women who would not even give a thought to an average guy. “
“Fraim, I’ve watched my mom struggle with us while our father roams the earth having more children and leaving them with no support. So, I don’t think less of my sisters who believe a man must really be put together well before he is an option. I was like them and if I don’t keep my focus on the GOD who keeps me,
there go I.
“Wow! I never thought of it that way Jala. Maybe, I have assumed a lot. It seemed to me that you came from the perfect family and that’s why you’re so proper and well put together. Jala laughed as they leaned against the car talking.
“You know….those perfect families you see getting into their cars after church. As for me…I grew up without any of my parents. It’s my sweet grandmother who raised me. Yea and she was amazing. Still I wondered what it would be like.
“At least I have a mom, gosh that must have been hard for you.
“The truth is grandma poured love into me and taught me a lot. My father, her son, died in a freak accident when I was 3…I hardly remember him.”
“Fraim! Can I get a ride with you?” Chari came charging out of the building. “Abe got caught up in another argument with Cassandra and Gavin. Imagine if we had a single’s ministry. This is what it would look like? War!”
If you have missed the last 4 in the Church Girl Series…your in the right place…wifematerial.blog. Take a read and learn more about the jagged journey of these characters at a church near you.(more…)
There are some inexplicable features in a person’s character that distinguishes them from others. It draws you in and makes them miss-able upon their departure. Something in you is magnetized to them and you come alive! But is a strong relationship much more than an attraction on various levels?
Many things that we like about people can change with the arrival of new circumstances and before long you are introduced to a brand-new person. Or is it? We’ve all heard of marriages that were dissolved because a person ‘changed.’ It could be that the person never did change but simply let down his/her guard.
the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual
What makes a person truly beautiful is their consistency of character. Character is found at the very core of a person. It’s what determines what they would sacrifice for and find great delight to do, even though the benefit to them may seem miniscule.
As a person engages in a relationship that has marriage as its end game, this notable personal feature must be prioritized.
You might say that’s hard. How do you know someone’s character?
The truth is that there is a myriad of activities in our world that can make a person look like “the one.” For example, romantic acts that he reads out of a play book or duplicated from a friend. It is wonderful that he made the effort to woo you, but the act is not the character.
There are some tell tale signs of a person’s character. Let’s start with a big one – Money. It’s not how much he/she makes. It’s how he/she spends it. “For where your treasure is there your heart is also.” Mat 6:21 Your use of money tells what you prioritize and what you value.
How you spend your Time does the same, along with displaying the order you keep or maintain in your life.
How you use your Words will eventually reveal your heart. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Mat 12:34
How you handle Disappointments or Pressure, great or small, indicate your heart posture and mindset.
How much he/she Sacrifices for you and the relationship, reveals its value to him/her.
These are heavy enough clues to help you identify the character of persons before investing of yourself deeply into a relationship.
Character makes a man who made a promise to a child, go out of his way to fulfill his word. Character makes a woman carve out time to visit with her aged parent, while resisting all the other seemingly greater demands. Character makes a person prioritize tithing, serving and fulfilling commitments in Church. Character makes a man whose testosterones are urging him to go further sexually, seek to protect the woman he’s with and honor the God he serves. Telltale signs of true character are all over your relationships.
Are you seeing enough character to persuade you that he/she is the one?
Visit taniacase.com to further learn how to build strong Kingdom relationships.
Courting is an exciting time of discovery and romance, laden with the mystery of weaving two lives together. I remember how keenly we planned our many excursions which strangely erased unfamiliarity and brought us closer together. The task of getting to know each other was the most rewarding job we could have been given. Certainly, we would do it well...like two nerds with sharpened pencils at the front of the class.
When we decided to upgrade from friendship to courtship, we promptly brought our decision to our pastor. So here was the assignment: get a journal and extensively log all your expectations in marriage and after writing, exchange books with each other. Hmmmm…interesting!!!
While you may call our premarital counseling somewhat of a drive-by counseling, these two nerds took the assignment to task journeying across Jamaica with our journals. Whether with fresh caught fish on the seaside or discovering a castle on a mountainside, we pulled out our Expectations journals (EJ). Discovering each other stirred deep conversations.
Like flipping the pages of our hearts to view the next set of details we uncovered our expectations in marriage ranging from how we want to be loved to who washes the dishes. Dating became fruitful and very interesting.
As I often say, the marriage you’re going to have is already programmed into your heart. It therefore makes sense to unveil the heart unashamedly in the early stages so each gather enough information to know if this is the one worth committing to. Differences are certain, but an amicable conclusion can often be reached.
After honestly and diligently going through a range of topics in our EJ, we were better prepared to tackle the tumultuous early years of marriage, understanding each other’s expectations.
Here’s a taste of a question you’ll tackle in the EJ, “If we have a conflict, how would you like me to approach you?”
After 20 years of marriage, we want to help couples navigate through the premarital stages with the Expectations Journal.
Unlike a plain journal, we have made it special with prompts and pictures that you will make into your own memorabilia, while getting on the same page with your spouse. We have provided a list of potent subjects that premarital couples should certainly discuss before marriage.
Interestingly, we still have our Expectations Journal and carry them on almost every anniversary. We chuckle over want we use to expect and refresh what we now expect. This premarital tool can accompany you on any date.
Get ready! Choose a topic. Write your heart out about it! Exchange books !
You may think you know what to expect!
Enjoy each other!
Order your copy of The Expectations Journal by Tania Case on Amazon.com.