#readyformarriage

“Who Has Bewitched You?”

Are you ready for my raspberry and garlic sticky chicken? I’m just going to drop the wings in the bowl and coat them just right! Mmmuah! Yummeeee!”

Mrs. Lueth loves the kitchen almost as much as she loves having young adults over for Bible Study.  When you put the two together, like they are tonight, you get one happy woman.

“When I was young like you lot, I didn’t have time to be bored. I was busy planning the next young  adult lyme.  Come now, on the balcony all of you!”  Her balcony was like a big open room under the stars.  Efraim, Jonathon and Abe helped to carry out more chairs for the almost 30 young adults who were attending another one of Auntie Lue’s events.  Jala was preoccupied with who was coming to the gate as Aunty Lue raised a song to get everyone settled. 

“Where is Chari?” Abe asked Jala.

“That’s what I am wondering.  I was going to swing by her after work before coming here but she told me to go on and she’d meet me here,” added Jala.

“Odd, she’s usually in the kitchen with Auntie Lue preparing before the event.”

“I’m not getting her on her phone either and that’s not like her.”

“Well, she knows we are here and it’s not too far from her house either,” reassured Abe returning to the group.

The Bible Study was about the purpose of a renewed mind according to Roman 12 and the discussion was open and honest, though challenging for some.

As Mrs. Lueth riveted the truth, “Unless you are intimate with the Word, the Bible, you will not know His perfect will.  His will is His Word! Besides, when you read this Word, you should ask the Holy Spirit to illuminate what He is saying to you, so you can grow in relationship with God,” she summed.

Jala was distracted all night waiting to hear from Chari.  It wasn’t until she got home that she saw a shallow message on her phone.

“Sorry, I couldn’t make it.  I got caught up!”

Jala was even more disturbed and wondered how her friend could waste her evening and blow it off with such a flimsy excuse.

She couldn’t wait to call her in the morning.

As the phone rang, Jala quickly answered and told her friend, “Before you get mad! I have such exciting news!”

“Hello?” Jala said cautiously.

“Jala, you know how I’ve been wanting to launch my magazine ‘Vibe,’ I’m going to do it! Like, in three months! I’m so excited!”

“O-K?  What happened? Is that why you didn’t show up last night?”

“Yes and No!  So, I’ve met these wonderful people who are all in business and they help each other build their businesses.  Trust me, I’ve brainstormed with them concerning Vibe and woooo!  It’s an entire vibe! They are super brilliant and well-established young entrepreneurs  and you won’t believe this…they are Christians!”

“No way!”

“You’ve got to meet them.  I told them about you and the guys and they are excited to meet you all!

“I’m excited to meet them too!”chimed Jala.

For the next couple of weeks Jala saw less and less of Chari, as the appropriate meet-up time with her new business Christian friends became more elusive.  Even the guys noticed that Chari was not present at benevolence but Jala was doing everything to keep the operation on par.

Efraim and Abe insisted that after benevolence this Friday, they were taking Jala out to her favourite French café.  As she closed up, she tried to dissuade the fellows.  Jala wanted to feel low all by herself, but the guys were not allowing it.

“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! harped Efraim as Abe took her handbag.

“I think it fits me, it brings out the blue in my eyes.” Abe modeled his way down the hall, while Efraim laughed and dragged Jala along.

“C’mon, cheer up. Chari isn’t gone anywhere.  We all have other friends and our friendship still survives.”

“I know that…you guys, but Chari is like a different person now.  She doesn’t return my calls and when she does it’s bla la la…about them!  ‘Oh, you’ve got to meet Todd and Mishka’ she mimicked.”

“You’re not jealous though?  I know you feel bad but…she is about to launch her magazine and we know that she has been waiting for this from forever.  If they can help her, why not?” reasoned Abe.

“Abraham, do you not know how far we have come from with these dreams? Of course, I know that!  The truth is that I am happy for my friend but something just doesn’t feel right.”

Efraim opened Jala’s car door explaining, “If you ask me, I’d say she still needs our support and we have to be there for her.  So, if that means showing up where we’re not invited…

“Speaking of not invited!” Abe interrupted. “Isn’t that Chari?”

As the three took their seats near the sidewalk, they could see a large party of people celebrating inside the café.  There was Chari, obviously the center of the celebration.  Jala sunk in her seat and covered her face with the menu.  Abe popped up and exclaimed. “We finally get to meet them!”

“No way! I’m not going!”

The two guys headed inside and Jala was torn.  She definitely doesn’t want to go in but it looked really childish to sit outside and ignore her friend.

“Ok, fine!”

Chari screamed with her hands over her mouth as she saw them coming.

“These are my friends, guys! Abe, Efraim and Jala!

“Wow, we heard a lot about you all,” greeted a mature lady in the group.

 The group consisted of mostly young professionals who politely greeted the three before resuming their evening activities.

Jala returned to her table with a question mark on her face. Before she could get out a word, Efraim started.

“Not a word Jala. I get it, ”said Efraim.

“You get it? That makes one of us.  I saw a guy who I have known for years, but he greeted me as if he was meeting me for the very first time.

Something is weird up in there!” added Abe.

“Well you know what I’m about to say…not I told you so, but we need to pray!  Though I was so distracted at Auntie Lue’s Bible study, it hit me that the Word of God helps to grow my discernment.  I’ve been troubled and I judged my motive.  Is there any jealousy in me? Now I know that God was calling my attention to something that has been off with my friend.  These people say they are Christians but something is not adding up.  We’re hitting a fast guys.”

“I noticed that a few of them had on a symbol on their chains.”

“Ok, Efraim, draw the symbol and let me google it,” said Abe. Efraim started doodling on his napkin and Abe took a picture.

Before long the guys had found the society associated with the symbol and the gravity of Chari’s situation was magnified.

Abe and Efraim considered physically going for her but Jala’s wisdom overruled that decision. 

“We cannot fight a spiritual battle by physical means!”

“Why doesn’t she see it?”

No one had an appetite after their discovery.

For the next three days the friends fasted and prayed, meeting in the wee hours of the morning to pray for Chari. 

The Friday night before the launch of Vibe Magazine, the three friends were serving in benevolence ministry when Abe’s phone rang.

“Please come and get me!”

“Come guys let’s go. It’s Chari!” 

As they hurried down the hall they nearly bumped into Auntie Lue.

“Why the hurry?”

“It’s Chari!”

“I’m coming!” 

Jala had filled her in concerning Chari’s new company of friends and their discovery about the society.

When Abe pulled up alongside the building Chari told him she was in, he could see her working her way down the external staircase in a hurry.  He hopped out the car and opened the door for her to enter.  As soon as Chari was inside the vehicle, she gasped and let out a holler.  Jala and Auntie Lue hugged her, being patient for her to share when she got to it.

“Why? Why can’t I get a break? Why?”

Abe drove hard and fast since he did not know what the back story was.

Before long they were back at church in the internal courtyard.  Afterward, Chari calmed down, she shared how they were constantly quoting the Bible so she thought they were all Christians. She explained that she was repeatedly baited with success and complimented on how special she was in impacting this world.

 They told her she did not have time for friends at a certain level since God wanted her to grow and be about his business.  Chari said she felt uncomfortable at times but she was seeking to be diligent in doing the groundwork needed to launch the magazine company. 

At the last meeting, they asked her to make a higher level of commitment to ensure that they could also commit to back the magazine company.  They explained that they would be her church now and that their members were from varying religious backgrounds and orientations and should be accepted as she wanted to be accepted. Chari explained how she began asking questions that got the leader angry.  She was to have a commitment service tonight but after raising a plethora of concerns the members began giving her the cold shoulder and she was given an ultimatum. She could enjoy a failure-proof magazine company or be cut off from them and continue feeling stuck in her career.

Auntie Lue and the friends formed a circle around Chari and began praying fervently. Chari coughed incessantly until she was lying on the ground like a wet rag.  Auntie Lue led her in prayers of repentance and prayed fierce protective prayers over her as her friends agreed.  Without realizing it, they had prayed until after 1 am.  Though Chari felt too weak to walk, her mind was clear and joy and peace were hers again.  This was supposed to be the day of the magazine launch but she had refused to be in covenant with darkness.

Since Chari’s involvement with the business group she had nightmares night after night about being married.  As she approached the altar the scene would become ugly and the beauty of the place gave way to darkness with eerie creatures scampering about.  Finally, she could sleep in peace and continue her faithful steps toward one day owning her magazine company.

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I thought he’d make me happy. We have such a chemistry.  Finishing each other’s sentence makes us know we were meant to be together.  It’s this…you know sweet connection, where he gets me and I so get him!  Everybody marvels at how we just…you know…connect!  It doesn’t hurt that he is so gorgeous and thinks I’m his perfect match.  He’s the hero who rescues me when I’m having an off day and makes everything just right!

There are times when I realize that he wants something different from what I want but…with a little persuasion…he comes right around.  He allows me to charm him way to easily, though.  I just love him!

Recently, I felt like something was wrong.  The wedding was literally everything I wanted and he looked amazing in his tailored royal blue suit.  It’s the look he had in his eyes as he watched me saunter down the aisle…it was as if I was the most beautiful creation he had ever laid eyes on.  I couldn’t help blushing repeatedly. 

His smile…

A rare occurrence lately.

We’re only a few months married, and he seems more meditative and removed.  I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I don’t feel happy. Why isn’t he making me happy?

To be honest, I too have become quiet to hide my disappointment.  We still laugh together but I don’t feel his effort to do everything in his power to make me happy.

What’s wrong in this story? I’m sure you saw some red flags. Here is one.

No one should carry the heavy weight of responsibility of making you happy.  They cannot bear it and they will eventually fail you.  Your true satisfaction comes from GOD.  He fills every void and makes you a joy-giver.  Without a real relationship with Jesus, you will seek to fill that void and be frustrated by man’s inability to do so.  The one who made you has everything you need and is more than willing to pour His perfect love into you when you sincerely ask.  Then you will be your best self in relationships, giving and receiving love. 

“Never place the gravity of marriage on the fickle frame of feelings.”

Tell me the Secret to a Great Marriage

Tell me your secret.  How do you have a great marriage?  If this answer were to be given in a nutshell, many would not want to crack it open.  After carefully observing that nut, one may deduce that it is too simple.  Another may say that it is much more complex than what meets the eye.  It is a mystery!  Surely if it were straightforward, everyone would rise to the occasion and enjoy the bliss of marriage.  The philosophical mind may say it is indeed simply complex.

What do I say?

I say it is simple!

Why?  The components of a great marriage are not hidden and are not unreachable but rather available to all.

The truth we do not care to hear is that the marriage we want will cost us more than we are sometimes willing to pay. 

What will it cost, you say?

Let’s consider just one aspect of marriage…your right to be right.  Sometimes our ultimate goal in a fight is to prove that we were right.  Soaking in that victory still does not give you the feeling you want.  To be right at any cost will leave you making an enemy of your greatest ally.  So, what should your goal be in a fight?  Let’s face it! There will be fights, but you must learn to fight right.

Your goal in a fight must be for the marriage to win!! I can’t state this enough! It’s quite likely that we were not taught to do so at any point in our development.  We have instead learnt to justify our reason for being right and provide evidence, as if in a courtroom, as to why the other person is wrong.  We pull out every proof we can find to make it abundantly clear that we are right!  Then we gloat and enjoy a short-lived moment of victory.  While you’re winning, your marriage is losing.  There is now a wedge that slides in between the two.  The two who are supposed to become one, now have a greater challenge in operating as a unit.  Over the years this practice creates a major dividing force that can eventually end in divorce.

Fighting right requires having the right motive in the first place and being willing to lay down the trophy of being right in order to understand the other person, while carefully protecting his or her heart. This translates to choosing the right tone, the right words and the right place and time to have this discussion.

Do you see why obtaining a flourishing marriage is within reach but many refuse to reach for it because it requires sacrifice?

So back to the question.  How do you have a flourishing marriage? A flourishing marriage requires self-sacrifice on both sides.

There are some inexplicable features in a person’s character that distinguishes them from others.  It draws you in and makes them miss-able upon their departure.  Something in you is magnetized to them and you come alive! But is a strong relationship much more than an attraction on various levels?

Many things that we like about people can change with the arrival of new circumstances and before long you are introduced to a brand-new person.  Or is it?  We’ve all heard of marriages that were dissolved because a person ‘changed.’ It could be that the person never did change but simply let down his/her guard.

Character -.

the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual

Oxford Language

What makes a person truly beautiful is their consistency of character.  Character is found at the very core of a person.  It’s what determines what they would sacrifice for and find great delight to do, even though the benefit to them may seem miniscule. 

As a person engages in a relationship that has marriage as its end game, this notable personal feature must be prioritized. 

You might say that’s hard.  How do you know someone’s character? 

The truth is that there is a myriad of activities in our world that can make a person look like “the one.”  For example, romantic acts that he reads out of a play book or duplicated from a friend. It is wonderful that he made the effort to woo you, but the act is not the character. 

Character Detecting

There are some tell tale signs of a person’s character.  Let’s start with a big one – Money.  It’s not how much he/she makes.  It’s how he/she spends it.  “For where your treasure is there your heart is also.” Mat 6:21 Your use of money tells what you prioritize and what you value.

How you spend your Time does the same, along with displaying the order you keep or maintain in your life.

How you use your Words will eventually reveal your heart.  “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Mat 12:34

How you handle Disappointments or Pressure, great or small, indicate your heart posture and mindset.

How much he/she Sacrifices for you and the relationship, reveals its value to him/her.

These are heavy enough clues to help you identify the character of persons before investing of yourself deeply into a relationship.

Character makes a man who made a promise to a child, go out of his way to fulfill his word. Character makes a woman carve out time to visit with her aged parent, while resisting all the other seemingly greater demands. Character makes a person prioritize tithing, serving and fulfilling commitments in Church. Character makes a man whose testosterones are urging him to go further sexually, seek to protect the woman he’s with and honor the God he serves. Telltale signs of true character are all over your relationships.

Are you seeing enough character to persuade you that he/she is the one?

Visit taniacase.com to further learn how to build strong Kingdom relationships.

I get it! You are not a “mealist!” Right? Me-ology could never be a part of your theology! After all, you love people and enjoy doing things for people. As a matter of fact you go out of your way to let your friends know that you care for them. There is not a selfish bone in your body!

Great! Now that we have that out of the way, you can relax. We are going to talk about your friends now, so gather all the information you can so you can help them.

You would admit that there is no way of knowing how good a friend you are until you have faithfully walked your friend through good and testing times and remain a true friend. Likewise you don’t truly know that you are unselfish unless you have had opportunity to deny yourself for others. Ironically, a me-alist or me-ologist can truly be helpful to others, but within a set constraint define only by him or her. If only life was this tidy!

It’s been a long time since you have had the feeling that someone gets you like this does. Face it, he is Mr. Fantastic! But Sis…Could your years of “doing you” make it difficult to do “us?”

The Meeting….

The early stages of relationships make little sacrificial demand on a person and besides, both are intrigued by the mystery of the other. The consideration is whether or not he checks your boxes and you his. In between the laughter and compliments, you’re wondering if he is the one. Any me-alistic tendency is well under wraps and your cutest side is always what is seen and heard. You can see that this guy really likes you and you are over the moon. He fills your thoughts and you both cannot stop talking. Your primary focus is making each other happy and this force of “nice-ness” pulls you to conclude that your relationship must step it up to the next level of commitment.

“We are like, really serious about each other. He said he wants to spend his life loving me!”

Break….

Attraction is a strong force!

The Meshing…

You might think that being selfish is just not sharing your things and money with others. However, a deeper level of selfishness is engrained in the heart and expresses itself through control, silence, inexplicable limits as well as self imposed irrational rules. Ouch!

A deeper bond is being formed, but with it comes greater expectations. These expectations are like spirits, present but unseen or heard. They are driving your relationship and you don’t know it. You reason that since he has gotten so many things right, the rest should be breeze. As expectation rises, so does the demand to sacrifice your set ways. The greatest goal is no longer to show my best side but to protect my turf. While the heart is intensely devoted, there is discomfort caused by this person who wants to pull the me-alist from her comfort zone.

Mood: “I literally don’t talk to people when I feel like this.” “No I don’t need your help with this – I must do it alone.” “You know there are certain vulnerabilities we avoid sharing.” “This is the way I do life!” “This is my space!” “It’s hard to keep up with your emotional demands. You know I’m not the affectionate type. I told you how I was…why did you expect something else, though.“

Compounding the problem: The closer you get to him, the more visible his flaws.

All of us have a tendency to be selfish and self-focused. As mentioned in the original me-ology blog, there is a greater propensity for women who have been single for a long time and live alone. This person has had a lot of experience thinking, planning for, taking care of herself. It’s a huge adjustment to let someone in all the way.

Relationships end unnecessarily simply because the level of adjustment for a me-ologist seem insurmountable and sacrifice too much! It may even appear that this fellow is asking for too much!

You might think that this person should satisfy you and make you happy, but that is a tall order for any man to fill. As a matter of fact, he can’t even make himself happy. That God-size void can only be filled by the one who gave you the desire for LOVE. He, Himself is LOVE.

What if we can help you understand that you may just have some me-alistic blind spots that you can work through. Whether the guy is in view or not, begin to check yourself. If you do have a tried, tested and proven friend, ask if there are blind spots that you should work on so that your relationships can be healthy.

Authentic relationships require sacrifice. Sacrifice means it’s inconvenient and sometimes goes beyond what you were ready to give. You don’t have to get it right! However, you have to commit to advancing toward it.

We all have some measure of Me-ology, but we’re after spotting it and making the adjustments. If you’re like me, I could share anything with you but my unprocessed thoughts. You can imagine that this is particularly annoying when I’m clearly displeased but process the problem over a three day period, while the person is waiting for a response. This is unfair and selfish! What does the person do in the meantime? Self-doubt, question the viability of the relationship, fear offending you, decide to withhold from you as well? If we are not careful, we can make a little god of ourselves, which we expect people to worship.

Compromise merges two entities in a relationship. If we are maturing we will realize that there are many ways that things can be done, even unfamiliar ways. Sis…and yes Bruh, don’t get so caught up with you that the ones closest to to are ignored and hurt.

Me-ology is toxic and can kill relationships! Spot it in your relationship and yourself and remove quickly!

It’s love and it’s beautiful! It’s heart-thumping and nerve-racking, but sweet!  There is a bond, a connection and a feeling like forever is not long enough.  It’s what the movies are made of!  There is the occasional step back that makes you wonder if this is “too good to be true.”  But what more could you ask for when the love is undeniable?

So glad you asked. Let’s stop for just a crucial moment and turn down the background music to really take a sober look at the marriage you passionately desire.  Like any iconic building, marriage needs a strong foundation.  After building that strong foundation, please turn back up the music and let the church bells ring with joyful laughter.

Even before starting the building, please consult the ‘Marriage Maker’ to find out if it is worth your time, effort and emotional investment.   Did GOD give you the nod?  This might leave you feeling lost, so let’s be clear. Very rarely will the voice of GOD thunder from heaven in approval of your spousal choice.  Instead, this requires a relationship already established with Him where you, as His sheep, hear His voice.  In worship when you have drawn close to Him and sense His presence, pop the question and wait.  You might not get a worded answer, but you have started the quest.  He is a good Father who will not give you a stone instead of bread.  God wants you to know who to marry. 

For me, He guided me by His profound peace.  I came to realize that many of my decisions would be made this way since He wants me (us) to know Him this intimately.  God will, in addition, confirm His approval in many ways: some very logical and others crafted just for you. 

The work has just begun!

Not because he or she is the “one” means that it will be smooth sailing!  You both have to empty your trunk of junk from the past,  air your expectations in marriage and make a plan for this new family unit that you can both agree to.  You guessed it…get pre-marital counseling!  By the way, counseling should start when you both decide to pursue each other for the purpose of marriage – courtship. It does not start after you have sent out your “Save the Dates” for the wedding.

This preparation period if mishandled will turn something beautiful into a horror show! Besides the trunk of junk that each person carries into relationships, each has undefined expectations that one may consider is commonly known.  Oh, contrary!

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. Pr 4:7    

God is entrusting you to love His daughter or His son and it will require serious adjustments on both sides.  Some things will come naturally for you, while others, you will be taught in the process of learning to love each other.  It is work! It’s not automatic!  The more you are yielded to God, the more easily you will love like 1 Cor 13.  This chapter speaks of committed love, the only kind that marriage should be built on. Note…1 Cor 13 goes where no emotion nor fling can follow. It too takes work!

Courting is an exciting time of discovery and romance, laden with the mystery of weaving two lives together. I remember how keenly we planned our many excursions which strangely erased unfamiliarity and brought us closer together. The task of getting to know each other was the most rewarding job we could have been given. Certainly,  we would do it well...like two nerds with sharpened pencils at the front of the class.

While you may call our premarital counseling somewhat of a drive-by counseling, these two nerds took the assignment to task journeying across Jamaica with our journals. Whether with fresh caught fish on the seaside or discovering a castle on a mountainside, we pulled out our Expectations journals (EJ). Discovering each other stirred deep conversations.

Like flipping the pages of our hearts to view the next set of details we uncovered our expectations in marriage ranging from how we want to be loved to who washes the dishes. Dating became fruitful and very interesting.

As I often say, the marriage you’re going to have is already programmed into your heart. It therefore makes sense to unveil the heart unashamedly in the early stages so each gather enough information to know if this is the one worth committing to. Differences are certain, but an amicable conclusion can often be reached.

After honestly and diligently going through a range of topics in our EJ, we were better prepared to tackle the tumultuous early years of marriage, understanding each other’s expectations.

Here’s a taste of a question you’ll tackle in the EJ, “If we have a conflict, how would you like me to approach you?”

After 20 years of marriage, we want to help couples navigate through the premarital stages with the Expectations Journal.

Unlike a plain journal, we have made it special with prompts and pictures that you will make into your own memorabilia, while getting on the same page with your spouse. We have provided a list of potent subjects that premarital couples should certainly discuss before marriage.

Interestingly, we still have our Expectations Journal and carry them on almost every anniversary. We chuckle over want we use to expect and refresh what we now expect. This premarital tool can accompany you on any date.

Get ready! Choose a topic. Write your heart out about it! Exchange books !

You may think you know what to expect!

Enjoy each other!

Order your copy of The Expectations Journal by Tania Case on Amazon.com.