#dating

How Will I Know If He Really Loves Me?

“There are three things that are too amazing for me,

    four that I do not understand:

19 the way of an eagle in the sky,

    the way of a snake on a rock,

the way of a ship on the high seas,

    and the way of a man with a young woman.

Prov 30:18-19

Mystified…the writer of this Proverb, Agur, admitted that he could not understand the way of a man around a woman.  I can imagine him watching the excited young man carefully carrying out his plan of wooing the lady.

It was a mystery to him, and he is not alone. 

I’ve got good news! Not to worry!  Read along…there are plenty of ways to decode the actions and words of the man and find out if he really loves you.

Are you even ready to know, though?

1.     Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks Lk 6:45

With the strong lead we could ascertain what’s in his heart from what he regularly speaks about or how he speaks to you.  What is it that he is saying?  Still, this is not enough to hang your heart on, since many men are known to be lyricists and can find the exact words to tickle your ears, creep into your heart and convince you.

We’ll have to do better…

2.     Where a man’s treasure is, there is heart is also. Mt 6:21

What does he do with his money and his time? Does he withhold them from you while using them for others? (Please note:  If you are not his wife, your bills are still your bills)

Giving is one of the most natural expressions of love in any relationship.  A man who loves you delights in giving from whatever he has.

3.     Speaking of treasures, does he discern your value? 

He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.

It is your value that he perceives and therefore resolves that you are good for him.  When he knows how valuable you are, his treatment of you will reflect it.  Don’t settle for less than that.

4.     Sacrifice… John 15:13  Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…Eph 5:25

So you are now armed with information to help you discern the heart of a man who proposes that he really loves you. 

“He Makes Me Happy!”

I thought he’d make me happy. We have such a chemistry.  Finishing each other’s sentence makes us know we were meant to be together.  It’s this…you know sweet connection, where he gets me and I so get him!  Everybody marvels at how we just…you know…connect!  It doesn’t hurt that he is so gorgeous and thinks I’m his perfect match.  He’s the hero who rescues me when I’m having an off day and makes everything just right!

There are times when I realize that he wants something different from what I want but…with a little persuasion…he comes right around.  He allows me to charm him way to easily, though.  I just love him!

Recently, I felt like something was wrong.  The wedding was literally everything I wanted and he looked amazing in his tailored royal blue suit.  It’s the look he had in his eyes as he watched me saunter down the aisle…it was as if I was the most beautiful creation he had ever laid eyes on.  I couldn’t help blushing repeatedly. 

His smile…

A rare occurrence lately.

We’re only a few months married, and he seems more meditative and removed.  I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I don’t feel happy. Why isn’t he making me happy?

To be honest, I too have become quiet to hide my disappointment.  We still laugh together but I don’t feel his effort to do everything in his power to make me happy.

What’s wrong in this story? I’m sure you saw some red flags. Here is one.

No one should carry the heavy weight of responsibility of making you happy.  They cannot bear it and they will eventually fail you.  Your true satisfaction comes from GOD.  He fills every void and makes you a joy-giver.  Without a real relationship with Jesus, you will seek to fill that void and be frustrated by man’s inability to do so.  The one who made you has everything you need and is more than willing to pour His perfect love into you when you sincerely ask.  Then you will be your best self in relationships, giving and receiving love. 

“Never place the gravity of marriage on the fickle frame of feelings.”

Secrets to a Great Marriage

Tell me the Secret to a Great Marriage

Tell me your secret.  How do you have a great marriage?  If this answer were to be given in a nutshell, many would not want to crack it open.  After carefully observing that nut, one may deduce that it is too simple.  Another may say that it is much more complex than what meets the eye.  It is a mystery!  Surely if it were straightforward, everyone would rise to the occasion and enjoy the bliss of marriage.  The philosophical mind may say it is indeed simply complex.

What do I say?

I say it is simple!

Why?  The components of a great marriage are not hidden and are not unreachable but rather available to all.

The truth we do not care to hear is that the marriage we want will cost us more than we are sometimes willing to pay. 

What will it cost, you say?

Let’s consider just one aspect of marriage…your right to be right.  Sometimes our ultimate goal in a fight is to prove that we were right.  Soaking in that victory still does not give you the feeling you want.  To be right at any cost will leave you making an enemy of your greatest ally.  So, what should your goal be in a fight?  Let’s face it! There will be fights, but you must learn to fight right.

Your goal in a fight must be for the marriage to win!! I can’t state this enough! It’s quite likely that we were not taught to do so at any point in our development.  We have instead learnt to justify our reason for being right and provide evidence, as if in a courtroom, as to why the other person is wrong.  We pull out every proof we can find to make it abundantly clear that we are right!  Then we gloat and enjoy a short-lived moment of victory.  While you’re winning, your marriage is losing.  There is now a wedge that slides in between the two.  The two who are supposed to become one, now have a greater challenge in operating as a unit.  Over the years this practice creates a major dividing force that can eventually end in divorce.

Fighting right requires having the right motive in the first place and being willing to lay down the trophy of being right in order to understand the other person, while carefully protecting his or her heart. This translates to choosing the right tone, the right words and the right place and time to have this discussion.

Do you see why obtaining a flourishing marriage is within reach but many refuse to reach for it because it requires sacrifice?

So back to the question.  How do you have a flourishing marriage? A flourishing marriage requires self-sacrifice on both sides.

Church Girl Series #4

Jala was almost finished helping Mrs Lueth prepare for all the young adults who were coming over for fun and fellowship that Saturday afternoon. Mrs. Lueth’s house was big enough to accommodate several groups of young adults at the same time and she enjoyed having them over. Jala could hear Mrs. Lueth calling her softly as she finished cleaning off the kitchen countertop.

Jala sank into one of the plush brown outdoor chairs on the balcony, suspicious of what might be coming next.

“Auntie Lu, what’s going on?”

“Something’s been on my mind recently since you introduced me to that young man.”

“Oh dear!” Jala let out a sigh as she cuddled one on the cushions placing one hand under chin. “Do we really have to talk about Ephraim?”

“Aaah… we don’t have to talk about Ephraim, but we do have to talk about you. I’ve been praying for you, asking GOD what’s happening? Jala…You are in a series of reaction. I only wonder if you can see what you’re reacting to.”

Jala felt something in the pit of her stomach. This conversation has gone so deep so fast. She knew she could not be surface her answers to Mrs. Lueth. She was motherly with a dark chocolate complexion and pleasingly plump, with deep dimples that created apostrophes around her smile.

“Auntie, I don’t want to go back to where I’m coming from.” The tears started welling up in Jala’s eyes but Auntie Lue was not letting up. Her gentle countenance was most disarming, backed by her evident love. She folded Jala into a side hug which softly communicated that there was no getting away.

“You’re in quite a fight Jala. I see you waging a war against what started on the inside of you. When you end the war inside you’ll end the war outside.”

“These people hurt me! They dragged my name through the mud. Hardly any ever asked me to my face what happened. People I trusted spread lies about me and him. I’m still so embarrassed. I genuinely thought Jonathan loved me and was interested in being married to me. We got prophesies, Auntie!”

Jala was breaking and tears were flowing from her broken heart as she struggled to control her usually well guarded emotions.

“People said I slept with him! Oh my goodness Auntie. I felt like a church floozy! Me…a virgin!”

“It’s ok precious. It’s ok!” Auntie held her the more but Jala heaved until they were both on the tiled floor.

“Just let it out.”

“I never talked about it! I felt too ashamed. I messed up! I went too far with him. I could hardly talk to God after my repeated offence. Again I felt ashamed. Auntie….only to find out I was just one of the girls he was with in the church?

Her mouth opened with no words or sound, just tears. All this time Jala toughened up and blamed herself for being this foolish.

Auntie moaned alongside Jala like a midwife helping her to give birth.

“Let it out,” she comforted.

“It wasn’t even a month later he was engaged! I looked like I was trying break up their union…Auntie I wanted answers! Why did he choose me to make a fool of and why didn’t I see? How did I miss God?”

After many tears and snot, Mrs Lueth prayed her red hot fiery prayer for Jala, who was like a soaked handkerchief.

“You must forgive yourself Jala. You’ve repented for you part. Receive God’s forgiveness and freely give forgiveness to those who hurt you. The more you hold on to the pain, the less able you are to move forward. Your healing has started.”

Mrs. Lueth wiped her face.” Jala, remember that Ephraim was not there. He should not be punished for what others did.

“I knew that in my head. I felt I could not allow him to think for a moment that I was interested in him. I realized that I really enjoy his friendship once there was no threat of a relationship or others thinking there was.

Mrs. Lueth could hear the cars pulling into the cul de sac and got up to remotely open the gates from the balcony so that the early birds could park in the yard.

Walking back to Jala she added, “Don’t waste your energy trying to get people not to talk about you. My mother once told me, ‘Live free and let people be.'”

Jala quickly got off the floor, to fix up before everyone was inside the house. “Thank you Aunty Lue. I feel so light. Yes, and free!”

As soon as she disappeared in the bathroom, Chari’s loud voice filled the house.

“Auntie Lue, I smell something good!”

Abe and Ephraim followed behind carrying all the bags Chari gave them to take in the house.

“Hello my children,” Auntie did a dance coming down the stairs. She greeted them one by one and made effort to especially welcome Ephraim.

“Where’s Jala, Aunt?”

It’s been a hectic morning. She’s gone to shower.”

“So Ephraim I hear that you go to the Baptist Church not far from us.”

“Yes, mam,” answered Ephraim trying not to appear awkward while fighting the memory of his first introduction to Aunty Lue.

The three sat around the island in the kitchen, while Auntie Lue plastic wrapped the trays of food and chatted about her friends at the Baptist Church that Ephraim attends.

The bell rang again as Jala came into the kitchen greeting everyone and she grabbed the remote to open up from the balcony.

“Can I help you with anything,” asked Ephraim.

“Great, thank you. Ephraim, you take the igloo out to the balcony, Abe you get the ice from the deep freezer and Chari you come with me.”

As Ephraim headed to the balcony he hesitated as if he wanted to make a u-turn.

“Fraim, sang Jala, I’m so glad you came.”

“Really, cause I don’t want to embarrass you anymore.”

“You don’t embarrass me, but I’m embarrassed about my behaviour toward you. Could we please start over?

Jala extended her hand for a handshake.

“Nope,” Ephraim turned his back.

“But we can pick up from the where we left off in benevolence.”

Jala slowly breathed a sigh of relief, quickly shaking Ephraim’s hand.

“Friends,” they both agreed.

Auntie Lue glanced at them and gave out a “Thank you Jesus!”

Chari and Abe were just in time to create a huddle and a strong bond was formed.

Hey, we’re not done. More Church Girl Series coming. Tell us if you can relate these characters and scenarios. Jot us a line and be sure to share the story with friends. Thanks in advance!

Church Girl Series #2

Chari had the bad habit of knocking while attempting to open Jala’s apartment door. 

“Jala!  You knew if you didn’t answer the phone I’d be coming over.” She knocked again impatiently and twisted the doorknob.

Eventually, Jala came to the door not saying a word.  Chari came in with food in hand and proceeded to the kitchen counter to share it out.

“I stopped by benevolence after work, and they said you didn’t come by…Sunday you slipped out just before church ended.  What’s going on, Jala?”

“I’m just trying to lay low and get these folks off my back.  Ever since the gas station explosion and Ephraim helped me out of the building, I can’t get these people off my back! I wouldn’t be surprised if they were planning our wedding.”

“You take things too seriously, Jala. I would not care one iota if it were me.  No! None of them would have anything to say to me.  I would play with them and give them something to talk about when I turn my back.”

Chari laughed as she created scenarios to provoke the nosy church folks.

The two friends sat eating at Jala’s small round dining table.  A flowery pendant light hung just above their heads.  Chari knew her favourite Chinese dishes and sought to use food to get pass Jala’s walls.  Canton Kitchen served the best kung pao chicken and noodles and they were near Jala’s apartment.

“On a serious note, though Jala, I think you are still reacting to the embarrassing situation you went through with Jonathan almost four years ago.”

“Oh no, you don’t! Chari, is that what you’ve come here for, to drag up my past and make me a counselling case?”

“Relax! We’ve been best friends longer than you and I can remember, so I think I should be able to point out a little trauma in my bestie’s life.  Jonathon was a colossal mess!  With his high tenor voice and pretentiousness, he had half the ladies in the church convinced he only had eyes for them.  He sounds like one of the beasts in Revelation with eyes everywhere.  He lured you into his web!”

“Ok, I was an idiot!

“No way!  You’ve got to let that go and forgive yourself.  The guy was like Solomon without the wisdom.  Many women fell for him.”

“Why couldn’t I see that he was not interested in me? I was an idiot! A man who does not want to be seen in public with you, ignores you at church but calls you the moment you reach home to express his undying love, should raise many red flags. But, not to me he didn’t.  I was smitten despite your caution.  Well, no need to repeat that situation!  I’ll make sure of that.”

“Girl, at the sound of things, you are not about to let any other man in.”

“Look at you!  You’re a genius!” exclaimed Jala finally laughing.  She felt empowered and in control.

“Oh, speaking of not letting another man in…guess who I saw when I stopped by the benevolence room?  Ephraim. He was asking me for you.”

“Pastor Pruit must have let him in to work.  I was so into my selfish slump I didn’t remember I was supposed to open up for him.

Jala suddenly stopped and looked at her friend.  “You weren’t thinking that I had interest in Ephraim too?”

“Oh, no!” snapped Chari with both hands in the air. “I would never assume that you would even consider a handsome, mannerly carpenter of a man!  No doubt he has no degree!”

Chari continued with great sarcasm.  “After all, of what use is a man like that!”

“Firstly, I don’t know a thing about him.

“Secondly, even if did, I would not like to be in a relationship.

Thirdly, I could not take a carpenter home to meet my mom! So, let that set your mind at ease.”

 “Jala, I knew all your numbers from one to three already. We’ve been here many times.  I know…he’s a pleasant guy though.”

“Yea, I agree.”

“By the way, I gave him your number.”

“What?”

“You said he was a nice guy!  He wanted to check up on you and find out how your ankle was doing.  He said from he dropped you off that night he never heard another word from you even though he gave you his number for you to call if you needed help.

“Precisely, I didn’t need help! I still don’t!”

“Ooooo, so edgy Jala!”

Jala sighs and admitted that poor Ephraim was not deserving of this harshness nor this situation in which he was involuntarily placed.

“To be honest, Jala, Ephraim is a wonderful human and we had a great time chatting.  I can see us being good friends.”

“Wow, that’s big of you!  We know he wouldn’t make it to the husband list because he’s a carpenter. Still, I’m impressed that he is worthy of friendship.”

There’s a knock on the door and Chari wastes no time parting Jala’s damask patterned curtains to see who’s outside.

“Speaking of forever friend zone,” she whispered loudly to Jala.  “Hello Abe!”

 Jala dramatically flung the door open freezing in a grinning pose.

“Oh, I forgot you live here.  Hi Jala,” he said, passing Chari to hug Jala.

“Hey Abe.  Why didn’t you tell me you were coming by?”

“Jala, you don’t answer your phone and besides, you may say no.  What are friends for!”

“Indeed, what are some friends for?” chimed Chari looking at Abe. Their friendship has been much like this. 

“So where is your new friend, Jala?” inquired Abe, who is known for his blunt and unfiltered communication.

“You know about Ephraim too?”

“Of course, not because I play the drums mean I don’t hear what’s going on.  I hear that you and him have been an item for some time now.  I’m just wondering how I didn’t hear about him as your dear friend who you love, by the way!”

“Here we go!” shouted Jala jumping from her chair. 

Chari’s eyes opened wide. “Do tell Abe!”   

“Do tell what! You already know the truth.  I met the guy moments before the gas station explosion.  That’s what you get when you go to a small church and everybody knows everybody and tries to marry you to anybody!”

“What does this remind you of? This was what happened when Jonathan was found out after leading all these young ladies on…including our dear Jala,” added Abe.”

“That is what it feels like! People nosing into my business and assuming a lot.  That’s why I keep myself to myself.  I hope God gives me a husband who is from a different church! 

No one calls to find out the truth but continues to talk and build lies.”

As if on cue, Jala’s phone rings.

Jala sighs.

“It’s condescending Connie from core.

“Hi Connie, how are you?”

“Hi Jala, I didn’t see you at core yesterday so I just call to check on you.”

“Actually Connie, I’ve been missing core for almost a month, but thanks for calling I’m fine.

Yes, I did hurt my ankle, but the swelling went down.”

Yes…It was lovely of the gentleman to help.”

Both Chari and Abe were laughing uncontrollably at Jala, who was trying to maintain her cool.

No soon as Jala came off the phone with eyes rolling.  It rang again.

“Seriously Connie!”

“Let me answer her,” shouted Chari.

Jala looked down at her phone wondering who was calling.

“Let me answer!” Chari snatched the phone from Jala.

“You’ve reached the number of Jala McKnight, how can I help you?”

“Aaah…Jala?”

“Oh no! Just a minute.”

She motioned for Jala to get to the phone quickly while Abe whispered, “Who is it?”

“Hello Ephraim?”

The story began in Part 1 of the Church Girl Series. Look out for Part 3 soon. Find out how Jala confronts her deep rooted issues…including the meddling saints.

Church Girl Series…

After many days of clearing out the benevolence room, with very little help, Jala could see her vision materializing.  She had a passion for the poor and devoted every evening after work for the past month, to revamping the room. 

Her vision was to ‘help with honor’ way beyond just giving the poor a few food items.  She finally had the approval for the construction of a small office within the large benevolence room.  Jala removed the dark curtains that blocked the sunlight and brought in a few sheer panels she had convinced her friend Chari she did not need.  Chari was used to Jala pulling her into the benevolence Ministry to help at a moment’s notice.

In benevolence ministry, she had latitude and could avoid being upfront, yet serve the people she was passionate about.  Chari often tells her that she hides in benevolence to avoid interaction with majority of the church.

This was Jala’s passion!

“Jala, you’re back there?”

Jala could hear a coarse male voice calling her as it drew closer to the benevolence room.  It was Pastor Pruitt, who played a major role in Jala becoming a Christian. 

“I’ve got some help for you! Where do you want the cupboards and the shelves?

“Pleasant evening Pastor Pruit,” said Jala as Pastor Pruitt steps aside.

“This is the help I brought you.  Meet Ephraim who will be doing the cupboards and shelves for the room.  Please tell him where everything goes.

“Oh Hello, Ephrem, E-phraaim?”

“That’s okay. I’ve heard it all.  I’ve even had someone spell my name starting with an ‘F’ for Ephraim.

Jala laughed and ushered him into the room.

“I don’t know what my mom was thinking.  If she wanted a Bible name, why not David?”

  “Follow me, David!”

They both laughed.  Jala explained the new layout and Ephraim wasted no time measuring up the space.

As Ephraim worked, he and Jala chatted away as if they had known each other for years.

“So, what is this church like, and how long have you been a Christian?”

“Wow! That’s a lot of questions…let’s see…vibrant church, not without issues and 5 years.”

Stopping to process what Jala said, he added, “That works.”

“You might consider me a baby Christian, but I’m excited about my new life.  I got saved at a church not far from here about a year ago.”

Jala was standing on her desk trying to hang a few frames, while Ephraim continued measuring outside the office.

The light flickered…

“Did you see that?

“I’m glad you did,” replied Jala.

Soon there was an explosion and the electricity was out.  Hardly any light came through the window now.

Jala, frighten, tried making her way off her desk and twisted her ankle in panic.

“Ephraim!”

“I’m here… I’m here.  Are you alright?”

Ephraim pulled out his phone flashlight and found Jala trying to get off the floor.  She was embarrassed.  Jala hated to admit her need for help to a complete stranger, no matter how kind he appeared.

“Did you fall?”

“No,” she snapped.  By this her ankle was pounding and painful.  The tears were rolling down her cheeks and she was grateful for the darkness.

“How embarrassing,” she thought.

Realizing that Jala could hardly walk Ephraim offered to help.  She reluctantly laid her pride aside and held on to David, hopping out of the room.

“What was that?” 

Ephraim understood that the bubbly personality he met only hours ago was now very uncomfortable. He shifted the attention to the incident at hand as they walked down the hallway.

Upon approaching the exit door, they could see lights.  There were lights of fire trucks, ambulances and a fire at the gas station across the road.

A crowd had gathered outside the church, as many prayed for those who were being placed in ambulances.

Jala realized that her pride being hurt was insignificant to the dire situation before them.

“Jala we had forgotten about you and Ephraim around the back,” said Pastor Pruitt.  “Are you okay?”  

By this Jala was standing on her left leg, while Ephraim braced her from the side. 

As soon as Pastor Pruitt asked the question all eyes gazed puzzlingly to Jala and Ephraim.  Jala knew what that meant. She could only imagine their conversations and thoughts.

“Didn’t she just meet him?”

“What’s his arm doing around her?

“They wasted no time.”

“Is he even saved?”

Again… Jala felt a covering of embarrassment.  It was what she wanted to avoid the most…giving church people something to talk about.  Her swollen right ankle left her no option.  She had to take the help and risk being falsely accused.  It only got worse when she got in her car and Ephraim drove her home.

Jala had a few things to say to GOD. 

“God how could you do this! You know I have maintained a clean reputation. I’ve stay away from unfruitful relationships and things that fuel gossip.  Now I seem to be caught up with a man I know nothing about…a baby Christian at that.  The poor thing has no idea what he just stepped into.  I will have to live this down. Why, me? I hope this guy doesn’t get any ideas in his head.”

Follow us on the next blog to find out how the guarded Jala handles the unwanted attention from her church family and poor Ephraim.

Character: Bones of a Strong Relationship

There are some inexplicable features in a person’s character that distinguishes them from others.  It draws you in and makes them miss-able upon their departure.  Something in you is magnetized to them and you come alive! But is a strong relationship much more than an attraction on various levels?

Many things that we like about people can change with the arrival of new circumstances and before long you are introduced to a brand-new person.  Or is it?  We’ve all heard of marriages that were dissolved because a person ‘changed.’ It could be that the person never did change but simply let down his/her guard.

“What makes a person truly beautiful is their consistency of character.  Character is found at the very core of a person – the heart.”

taniacase.com

Character -.

the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual

Oxford Language

What makes a person truly beautiful is their consistency of character.  Character is found at the very core of a person.  It’s what determines what they would sacrifice for and find great delight to do, even though the benefit to them may seem miniscule. 

As a person engages in a relationship that has marriage as its end game, this notable personal feature must be prioritized. 

You might say that’s hard.  How do you know someone’s character? 

The truth is that there is a myriad of activities in our world that can make a person look like “the one.”  For example, romantic acts that he reads out of a play book or duplicated from a friend. It is wonderful that he made the effort to woo you, but the act is not the character. 

Character Detecting

Wait a minute…Detecting godly character…..

There are some tell tale signs of a person’s character.  Let’s start with a big one – Money.  It’s not how much he/she makes.  It’s how he/she spends it.  “For where your treasure is there your heart is also.” Mat 6:21 Your use of money tells what you prioritize and what you value.

How you spend your Time does the same, along with displaying the order you keep or maintain in your life.

How you use your Words will eventually reveal your heart.  “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Mat 12:34

How you handle Disappointments or Pressure, great or small, indicate your heart posture and mindset.

How much he/she Sacrifices for you and the relationship, reveals its value to him/her.

These are heavy enough clues to help you identify the character of persons before investing of yourself deeply into a relationship.

Character makes a man who made a promise to a child, go out of his way to fulfill his word. Character makes a woman carve out time to visit with her aged parent, while resisting all the other seemingly greater demands. Character makes a person prioritize tithing, serving and fulfilling commitments in Church. Character makes a man whose testosterones are urging him to go further sexually, seek to protect the woman he’s with and honor the God he serves. Telltale signs of true character are all over your relationships.

Are you seeing enough character to persuade you that he/she is the one?

Visit taniacase.com to further learn how to build strong Kingdom relationships.

‘Me-ology’ Meets a Man

I get it! You are not a “mealist!” Right? Me-ology could never be a part of your theology! After all, you love people and enjoy doing things for people. As a matter of fact you go out of your way to let your friends know that you care for them. There is not a selfish bone in your body!

Great! Now that we have that out of the way, you can relax. We are going to talk about your friends now, so gather all the information you can so you can help them.

You would admit that there is no way of knowing how good a friend you are until you have faithfully walked your friend through good and testing times and remain a true friend. Likewise you don’t truly know that you are unselfish unless you have had opportunity to deny yourself for others. Ironically, a me-alist or me-ologist can truly be helpful to others, but within a set constraint define only by him or her. If only life was this tidy!

It’s been a long time since you have had the feeling that someone gets you like this does. Face it, he is Mr. Fantastic! But Sis…Could your years of “doing you” make it difficult to do “us?”

The Meeting….

The early stages of relationships make little sacrificial demand on a person and besides, both are intrigued by the mystery of the other. The consideration is whether or not he checks your boxes and you his. In between the laughter and compliments, you’re wondering if he is the one. Any me-alistic tendency is well under wraps and your cutest side is always what is seen and heard. You can see that this guy really likes you and you are over the moon. He fills your thoughts and you both cannot stop talking. Your primary focus is making each other happy and this force of “nice-ness” pulls you to conclude that your relationship must step it up to the next level of commitment.

“We are like, really serious about each other. He said he wants to spend his life loving me!”

Break….

Attraction is a strong force!

The Meshing…

You might think that being selfish is just not sharing your things and money with others. However, a deeper level of selfishness is engrained in the heart and expresses itself through control, silence, inexplicable limits as well as self imposed irrational rules. Ouch!

A deeper bond is being formed, but with it comes greater expectations. These expectations are like spirits, present but unseen or heard. They are driving your relationship and you don’t know it. You reason that since he has gotten so many things right, the rest should be breeze. As expectation rises, so does the demand to sacrifice your set ways. The greatest goal is no longer to show my best side but to protect my turf. While the heart is intensely devoted, there is discomfort caused by this person who wants to pull the me-alist from her comfort zone.

Mood: “I literally don’t talk to people when I feel like this.” “No I don’t need your help with this – I must do it alone.” “You know there are certain vulnerabilities we avoid sharing.”This is the way I do life!” “This is my space!” “It’s hard to keep up with your emotional demands. You know I’m not the affectionate type. I told you how I was…why did you expect something else, though.

Compounding the problem: The closer you get to him, the more visible his flaws.

All of us have a tendency to be selfish and self-focused. As mentioned in the original me-ology blog, there is a greater propensity for women who have been single for a long time and live alone. This person has had a lot of experience thinking, planning for, taking care of herself. It’s a huge adjustment to let someone in all the way.

Relationships end unnecessarily simply because the level of adjustment for a me-ologist seem insurmountable and sacrifice too much! It may even appear that this fellow is asking for too much!

Going My WAY!

You might think that this person should satisfy you and make you happy, but that is a tall order for any man to fill. As a matter of fact, he can’t even make himself happy. That God-size void can only be filled by the one who gave you the desire for LOVE. He, Himself is LOVE.

What if we can help you understand that you may just have some me-alistic blind spots that you can work through. Whether the guy is in view or not, begin to check yourself. If you do have a tried, tested and proven friend, ask if there are blind spots that you should work on so that your relationships can be healthy.

Authentic relationships require sacrifice. Sacrifice means it’s inconvenient and sometimes goes beyond what you were ready to give. You don’t have to get it right! However, you have to commit to advancing toward it.

We all have some measure of Me-ology, but we’re after spotting it and making the adjustments. If you’re like me, I could share anything with you but my unprocessed thoughts. You can imagine that this is particularly annoying when I’m clearly displeased but process the problem over a three day period, while the person is waiting for a response. This is unfair and selfish! What does the person do in the meantime? Self-doubt, question the viability of the relationship, fear offending you, decide to withhold from you as well? If we are not careful, we can make a little god of ourselves, which we expect people to worship.

Compromise merges two entities in a relationship. If we are maturing we will realize that there are many ways that things can be done, even unfamiliar ways. Sis…and yes Bruh, don’t get so caught up with you that the ones closest to to are ignored and hurt.

Me-ology is toxic and can kill relationships! Spot it in your relationship and yourself and remove quickly!

Can I Follow His Lead?

Meeting that someone, who is much more than all the other “someones” and feeling like this is home, is priceless!

There is a peace that tells you it’s safe to proceed. 

You’re getting to know each other and learning the nuances of relating to each other.  Some days you can see the future as plain as ever, while others you wonder if you can live with this imperfect human.   How dare him not be made in the image and the likeness of the man that you constructed in your head!

After all, that man is perfect!

Still, this relationship is causing you to get over your more blatant “Meology theology.”  You know the realization that the whole world does not move at your pace to accomplish your will.  Yea…especially if you’re in your 20’S it takes some reckoning.   Not to worry, change is at your door.

Marriage is in view and it’s scary exciting!  Okay, at times it’s downright frightening when you consider how much you have to give up to become one with this unknown entity.  At another glance, you wonder how you could be this blessed to have such a beautiful heart pant after yours.  If you get your eyes off the image of perfection you have constructed in your mind, you can admit that his character is what you have prayed for and desired.  After admitting that you love him and you’re in love with him, I have a question for you.

Can you follow his lead?  A godly woman should seek to answer this question before her heart completely melts at his acts of kindness and his projection for the future.  Before you consider marriage, you have to resolve that based on his core beliefs and persuasion, you can follow him.  As Christians, we understand that the Marriage Maker has made the man the head of the household and the woman his suitable mate.  This places the woman in a place of being very alert concerning who she allows her heart to be tangled with.  If you cannot follow his lead, you will lead a rebellion against him. 

It’s a matter of trust earned.

“How can two walk together unless they agree?” Amos 3:3

You’d be surprised or not that you can easily attempt a coup against this man you love, for the marriage to go the way you see it.  It is crucial to know that you are following the lead of someone who himself is under God’s leadership and agrees that he aims to love you as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for it. 

I recall someone poking fun at a gentleman she considered suitable for me in the presence of my mentor, who snapped and wiped the smile off our faces.  In a strict tone, she opined, “She will not marry anyone who she can lead, or she will!”

“Wow!”

I had to admit that she was right.  I had to marry someone I honor and respect.  His persuasion and moral stance command honor before he says a word. I was confident that I could follow his lead, even when I wanted it my way.  I trusted who leads him to lead our family and our lives.

So ask yourself that question having noticed his consistency of character and devotion to God.  Save yourself the unnecessary trauma.  Consider why you’d be challenged to follow his lead.  Be honest with yourself before getting too attached. 

If your answer is ‘yes,’ happy courting!

Put in the Work Now!

It’s love and it’s beautiful! It’s heart-thumping and nerve-racking, but sweet!  There is a bond, a connection and a feeling like forever is not long enough.  It’s what the movies are made of!  There is the occasional step back that makes you wonder if this is “too good to be true.”  But what more could you ask for when the love is undeniable?

So glad you asked. Let’s stop for just a crucial moment and turn down the background music to really take a sober look at the marriage you passionately desire.  Like any iconic building, marriage needs a strong foundation.  After building that strong foundation, please turn back up the music and let the church bells ring with joyful laughter.

Even before starting the building, please consult the ‘Marriage Maker’ to find out if it is worth your time, effort and emotional investment.   Did GOD give you the nod?  This might leave you feeling lost, so let’s be clear. Very rarely will the voice of GOD thunder from heaven in approval of your spousal choice.  Instead, this requires a relationship already established with Him where you, as His sheep, hear His voice.  In worship when you have drawn close to Him and sense His presence, pop the question and wait.  You might not get a worded answer, but you have started the quest.  He is a good Father who will not give you a stone instead of bread.  God wants you to know who to marry. 

For me, He guided me by His profound peace.  I came to realize that many of my decisions would be made this way since He wants me (us) to know Him this intimately.  God will, in addition, confirm His approval in many ways: some very logical and others crafted just for you. 

The work has just begun!

Not because he or she is the “one” means that it will be smooth sailing!  You both have to empty your trunk of junk from the past,  air your expectations in marriage and make a plan for this new family unit that you can both agree to.  You guessed it…get pre-marital counseling!  By the way, counseling should start when you both decide to pursue each other for the purpose of marriage – courtship. It does not start after you have sent out your “Save the Dates” for the wedding.

This preparation period if mishandled will turn something beautiful into a horror show! Besides the trunk of junk that each person carries into relationships, each has undefined expectations that one may consider is commonly known.  Oh, contrary!

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. Pr 4:7    

God is entrusting you to love His daughter or His son and it will require serious adjustments on both sides.  Some things will come naturally for you, while others, you will be taught in the process of learning to love each other.  It is work! It’s not automatic!  The more you are yielded to God, the more easily you will love like 1 Cor 13.  This chapter speaks of committed love, the only kind that marriage should be built on. Note…1 Cor 13 goes where no emotion nor fling can follow. It too takes work!

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