“There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
19 the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a young woman.
Mystified…the writer of this Proverb, Agur, admitted that he could not understand the way of a man around a woman. I can imagine him watching the excited young man carefully carrying out his plan of wooing the lady.
It was a mystery to him, and he is not alone.
I’ve got good news! Not to worry! Read along…there are plenty of ways to decode the actions and words of the man and find out if he really loves you.
Are you even ready to know, though?
1. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks Lk 6:45
With the strong lead we could ascertain what’s in his heart from what he regularly speaks about or how he speaks to you. What is it that he is saying? Still, this is not enough to hang your heart on, since many men are known to be lyricists and can find the exact words to tickle your ears, creep into your heart and convince you.
We’ll have to do better…
2. Where a man’s treasure is, there is heart is also. Mt 6:21
What does he do with his money and his time? Does he withhold them from you while using them for others? (Please note: If you are not his wife, your bills are still your bills)
Giving is one of the most natural expressions of love in any relationship. A man who loves you delights in giving from whatever he has.
3. Speaking of treasures, does he discern your value?
He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.
It is your value that he perceives and therefore resolves that you are good for him. When he knows how valuable you are, his treatment of you will reflect it. Don’t settle for less than that.
4. Sacrifice… John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…Eph 5:25
So you are now armed with information to help you discern the heart of a man who proposes that he really loves you.
I thought he’d make me happy. We have such a chemistry. Finishing each other’s sentence makes us know we were meant to be together. It’s this…you know sweet connection, where he gets me and I so get him! Everybody marvels at how we just…you know…connect! It doesn’t hurt that he is so gorgeous and thinks I’m his perfect match. He’s the hero who rescues me when I’m having an off day and makes everything just right!
There are times when I realize that he wants something different from what I want but…with a little persuasion…he comes right around. He allows me to charm him way to easily, though. I just love him!
Recently, I felt like something was wrong. The wedding was literally everything I wanted and he looked amazing in his tailored royal blue suit. It’s the look he had in his eyes as he watched me saunter down the aisle…it was as if I was the most beautiful creation he had ever laid eyes on. I couldn’t help blushing repeatedly.
A rare occurrence lately.
We’re only a few months married, and he seems more meditative and removed. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I don’t feel happy. Why isn’t he making me happy?
To be honest, I too have become quiet to hide my disappointment. We still laugh together but I don’t feel his effort to do everything in his power to make me happy.
What’s wrong in this story? I’m sure you saw some red flags. Here is one.
No one should carry the heavy weight of responsibility of making you happy. They cannot bear it and they will eventually fail you. Your true satisfaction comes from GOD. He fills every void and makes you a joy-giver. Without a real relationship with Jesus, you will seek to fill that void and be frustrated by man’s inability to do so. The one who made you has everything you need and is more than willing to pour His perfect love into you when you sincerely ask. Then you will be your best self in relationships, giving and receiving love.
“Never place the gravity of marriage on the fickle frame of feelings.”
Tell me the Secret to a Great Marriage
Tell me your secret. How do you have a great marriage? If this answer were to be given in a nutshell, many would not want to crack it open. After carefully observing that nut, one may deduce that it is too simple. Another may say that it is much more complex than what meets the eye. It is a mystery! Surely if it were straightforward, everyone would rise to the occasion and enjoy the bliss of marriage. The philosophical mind may say it is indeed simply complex.
What do I say?
I say it is simple!
Why? The components of a great marriage are not hidden and are not unreachable but rather available to all.
The truth we do not care to hear is that the marriage we want will cost us more than we are sometimes willing to pay.
What will it cost, you say?
Let’s consider just one aspect of marriage…your right to be right. Sometimes our ultimate goal in a fight is to prove that we were right. Soaking in that victory still does not give you the feeling you want. To be right at any cost will leave you making an enemy of your greatest ally. So, what should your goal be in a fight? Let’s face it! There will be fights, but you must learn to fight right.
Your goal in a fight must be for the marriage to win!! I can’t state this enough! It’s quite likely that we were not taught to do so at any point in our development. We have instead learnt to justify our reason for being right and provide evidence, as if in a courtroom, as to why the other person is wrong. We pull out every proof we can find to make it abundantly clear that we are right! Then we gloat and enjoy a short-lived moment of victory. While you’re winning, your marriage is losing. There is now a wedge that slides in between the two. The two who are supposed to become one, now have a greater challenge in operating as a unit. Over the years this practice creates a major dividing force that can eventually end in divorce.
Fighting right requires having the right motive in the first place and being willing to lay down the trophy of being right in order to understand the other person, while carefully protecting his or her heart. This translates to choosing the right tone, the right words and the right place and time to have this discussion.
Do you see why obtaining a flourishing marriage is within reach but many refuse to reach for it because it requires sacrifice?
So back to the question. How do you have a flourishing marriage? A flourishing marriage requires self-sacrifice on both sides.
There are some inexplicable features in a person’s character that distinguishes them from others. It draws you in and makes them miss-able upon their departure. Something in you is magnetized to them and you come alive! But is a strong relationship much more than an attraction on various levels?
Many things that we like about people can change with the arrival of new circumstances and before long you are introduced to a brand-new person. Or is it? We’ve all heard of marriages that were dissolved because a person ‘changed.’ It could be that the person never did change but simply let down his/her guard.
the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual
What makes a person truly beautiful is their consistency of character. Character is found at the very core of a person. It’s what determines what they would sacrifice for and find great delight to do, even though the benefit to them may seem miniscule.
As a person engages in a relationship that has marriage as its end game, this notable personal feature must be prioritized.
You might say that’s hard. How do you know someone’s character?
The truth is that there is a myriad of activities in our world that can make a person look like “the one.” For example, romantic acts that he reads out of a play book or duplicated from a friend. It is wonderful that he made the effort to woo you, but the act is not the character.
There are some tell tale signs of a person’s character. Let’s start with a big one – Money. It’s not how much he/she makes. It’s how he/she spends it. “For where your treasure is there your heart is also.” Mat 6:21 Your use of money tells what you prioritize and what you value.
How you spend your Time does the same, along with displaying the order you keep or maintain in your life.
How you use your Words will eventually reveal your heart. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Mat 12:34
How you handle Disappointments or Pressure, great or small, indicate your heart posture and mindset.
How much he/she Sacrifices for you and the relationship, reveals its value to him/her.
These are heavy enough clues to help you identify the character of persons before investing of yourself deeply into a relationship.
Character makes a man who made a promise to a child, go out of his way to fulfill his word. Character makes a woman carve out time to visit with her aged parent, while resisting all the other seemingly greater demands. Character makes a person prioritize tithing, serving and fulfilling commitments in Church. Character makes a man whose testosterones are urging him to go further sexually, seek to protect the woman he’s with and honor the God he serves. Telltale signs of true character are all over your relationships.
Are you seeing enough character to persuade you that he/she is the one?
Visit taniacase.com to further learn how to build strong Kingdom relationships.
We’re in London, England on our first anniversary…what could go wrong?
Sorry I asked…
We were chipper leaving the hotel and heading off into the great unknown to make our own anniversary adventure. Oxford Circus was a buzz and an exciting vibrant atmosphere surrounded us as we delighted in all its architectural offerings.
Admittedly, it was a little dampening when we learnt we could not catch any of our favourite plays in a theatre that day since they were fully booked. Still, if there was one thing we were – it was hope-full.
We shook that off and headed for dinner. You know, a little fancy restaurant to enjoy fine cuisine. The restaurant we settled with didn’t look ideal but we thought it might do the trick. After ordering, we chatted and shared our excitement about being on tour with the band for a month as well as all we would do together. Soon our Italian cuisine arrived and though not visually stimulating, we were ready for “new.” We got just that! Frozen squid in tomato sauce plopped on top of spaghetti, was new.
Eventually, we gave up on food and decided to browse the vibrant Oxford Circus. We soon found a struggling Czech Republic migrant who drew this picture with one pencil. He captured some facial features well and missed others, but we were happy.
Night was starting to fall and we decided to catch the train back to our hotel, after getting some directions to the station. We soon realised we were lost, very lost! We were lost for hours. All the honey in our moon was gone and we became annoyed with each other. We waved at taxis one after the other and stood confused as to why they ignore us. Hours passed and it was dark…and hopeless. We comforted each other, feeling the scourge of rejection. It dawned on us that we were Black. After praying, waving at more taxis and waiting, a kind taxi driver drove past us and returned. Interestingly, he dropped us in front of our hotel in under 5 mins. We were so close to the hotel.
As we entered the hotel lobby, we were greeted by band members who added the icing to our ‘anniversary experience.’ They informed us that the tour had been cancelled and we had to find a place to stay by tomorrow!
We laughed and laughed! Indeed, we were on a longer ‘adventure’ since we were stuck in England for a month now, with no more concerts. We decided to make the most of it and ride every wave that came.
At the end of that night, we ordered room service and had the best lasagna ever! We celebrated our love for each other and apologized for the moments we lost track of the main things. Looking back over the 21 years of marriage. Our attitude has been a lot like that first anniversary. We challenge each challenge together as one force and laugh a lot.
Cherish…to hold or treat as dear; feel love for
For years I have counseled ladies to check for the clear signs that a guy cherishes them. It may seem quite simple and even a little insignificant, but think again. The reason a man cherishes a woman is because he has discerned the level of her value. Without that sense of treasuring you, he can easily mistake your identity and mistreat you.
Let’s find a biblical basis for this claim.
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from God.” Proverbs 18:22
If the man does not recognize that you are a “good thing” that leads him to increase in favor with God, you cannot expect him to truly cherish you. Your value is lost on him. It is important to identify that quality in your relationship. When you are treasured, you are treated with love, care and caution.
Take a look at one of my favorite Kings – King Lemuel.
“A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.” Proverbs 31:10
This King understood that to find this woman is rare. He likens her worth to more than that of rubies! Do you think that he understood and cherished the value that this woman carries? Let’s be fair. Notice the woman that this man cherished. She is of noble character.
These words are used to describe the Chayil
strength, might, efficiency, a force like an army, rich in abilities
She is a woman of valor.
So while we advocate for being cherished in a relationship, we equally urge you to possess high character qualities that will make it abundantly clear that you are a daughter of the true King and therefore royalty. Value yourself and you will be setting the standard for how you are treated.